Apr 292002

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one those corny “I’m so sad this is my last column at CSU” columns.

There will b’e no thank you’s or I’ll miss yous or any of that sap. No.

Instead, this column’s about regrets: should’ves, could’ves and would’ves during my time at CSU – but didn’t.

For those of you with more time left in Fort Fun, take heed, here’s some token tips from a weathered CSU veteran to make your Rammie experience better.


/_/ Streaking the Plaza.

I have it all planned out. During a time of day when the Plaza is packed with innocent and fully-clothed students, you walk into the restrooms on the first floor of the Lory Student Center next to the ASCSU offices. Get naked and put your clothes in your backpack. When you’re ready, make a run for it.

The key to this part of the plan is to have a friend waiting to pick you up at the bottom of the stairs that lead to the Engineering parking lot. Jump in the idling car and you’re off, knowing you can someday tell your grandkids that you streaked the Plaza and got away with it.

So, with such a well-thought out plan, “Why did I never execute it?” you might ask. No, it’s not because I’m a wuss. Or because I’m all talk. The reason I can’t complete this goal is a sad but true one: I don’t trust any of my friends enough to pick me up, or, more accurately, I trust they’re too much like me.

I mean, what could be funnier than standing at the bottom of the stairs and watching your naked friend’s expression when he sees you lounging there and laughing at him without a car waiting?

/_/ Tried to find some friends that aren’t all bastards like me.


/_/ “Made with the love” in the Oval.

Legend has it that if you get kissed in the center of the Oval at midnight you’ll be rich, lucky as a charm and able to seduce any member of the opposite sex for the rest of your days (or something like that). And how!

/_/ Taken human sexuality class so I could learn how to actually get a girl to make with the love in the Oval.

/_/ Taken more naps.

/_/ Spoken up more in class.

Sure I’m a rambling idiot, but so are the same four annoying people who dominate every class discussion, and I like me better.

/_/ Not compared my lifestyle habits to my roommates Josh and Mike to make myself feel better.


/_/ Written a column about the Gyro stand on the south side of Mountain Avenue in Old Town.

Who knew lamb could taste so good at 2 a.m.?

/_/ Revealed my secret napping place to my lazy protegee. Oh yeah, that’s right, I don’t have a protegee.

/_/ Used Transfort more.

/_/ Climbed more stuff on campus.

This includes the honeycomb pigeonholes engulfing the Clark Building and the A-framed, wavy-type cover between Clark A and C.

/_/ Eaten more Subway.

If it wasn’t for that damn Jared guy.

/_/ Found a job.

/_/ Had a chance to vote for Mayor Sonny Lubick.

/_/ Not taken so literally the quote: “There’s a time and place for everything, and it’s called college.”

/_/ Bragged more about my decision not to go to CU.

Zeb graduates in a week or so, and this is his last column. If you plan on being successful, or know a lot of successful people, remember Zeb’s name, and please give him a job.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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