Apr 282002
 
Authors:

Dear Friends,

If you’re reading this, then I’m either deceased or graduating – conditions I view with equal amounts of loathing. Collegiate Jon Watkins, anti-socialite and pro-apathy inactivist, is positioned to fall hard before the inevitable and inescapable onslaught of the fearsome “Real World.” When he arises, he will be Mr. Watkins, just another anonymous and inconsequential cog in the machine – somebody’s tool.

Among my many regrets is the fact that my career as an opinion columnist will end while so many people are still in desperate need of rigorous public ridicule.

Aw, hell … I still have 488 words to play with. Let’s see how much snide derision I can squeeze in.

To the Frat Boys: I’ve never written an opinion column on the Greek System because I have many conflicting views about the entire topic. I’m hesitant to blast CSU’s entire Greek population because, quite simply, every sorority member I’ve ever met since attending CSU has been extraordinarily kind and friendly to me, a hideous ogre, thereby betraying their stereotype as superficial and self-centered snobs.

As for fraternity members, my only complaint is their tendency to produce a line of idiotic reasoning that frequently dribbles its way on to this very page. I’m specifically referring to the notion that “frat boy” is some kind of pejorative on par with the N-word. Here’s a little history lesson: frat boys were never enslaved, systematically lynched or forced to endure segregation imposed upon them by the rest of society.

So stop embarrassing yourselves by pretending to be marginalized victims of a grave injustice and suck it up. “Frat” is a convenient abbreviation, and if you prefer to be called “men,” then stop publicly weeping at mere words.

To the Pro-Choicers: you’re in a world of trouble. If last week’s stunning “exhibit” is any indication of the general movement, pro-lifers have evolved. The next generation of anti-abortion protester is bigger, faster, stronger and smarter than ever before. They’ve dropped the irrelevant and unappealing religious overtones, and instead adopted a position based upon what they contend is logical argumentation.

Most of all, they’ve discovered how to make an eidetic visual presence. Size, apparently, does matter, and sky-scraping monolithic posters featuring stomach-churning photographs are tough to beat. Your own blue banner was long and it had a bunch of pretty-sounding words, but, in terms of its ability to arrest the gaze, it was sad compared to the sharp and searing images across the plaza.

If you fail to evolve, you can expect the pro-lifers to seize momentum in the never-ending abortion propaganda war. My advice? Bigger signs with fewer words and more pictures.

To those who consider themselves my fans: because I love you I must inform you that you are very likely in dire need of a full psychiatric evaluation. I’m not a brilliant “outside the box” thinker, nor am I the Collegian’s version of the renegade cop who plays by his own set of rules. I’m simply a socially aberrant freak who can, on rare occasion, concoct a cogent thought and successfully trap it in text.

Thanks for joining up with Team Jonny – I really do appreciate all the encouraging letters and amusing hate mail – but I’m afraid the party’s just about over. As Mark Leyner once wrote, “eventually, even Mighty Mouse is vivisected by the dour bitch in a white lab coat.” Don’t be sad, though.

You live in a beautiful world that’s practically bursting apart with life and vibrancy and all sorts of delightfully stupid things to be cynical about.

Fondest regards,

Jon Watkins

Jon Watkins is a senior majoring in English.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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