Apr 102002
 
Authors: keith CHRISTIANSEN

I was raised Catholic, so I’ve known for some time that I am going to hell.

Most gays are more morally righteous than many priests, and I thought this before the recent exposure to how some priests get around the celibacy thing.

A woman should be free to choose what happens to her body, regardless of how many souls reside in her belly. Birth control is the opposite of sin. The Pope isn’t the opposite of infallible, but darn close.

I like sex – a lot! And I’m not ashamed of it. The road I chose is now cluttered with beer bottles, buds, boomers, etc. Also, I published a piece listing the reasons I am going to hell. Oh, and I once stole a beer glass from Lucky Joe’s. Sorry, Joe.

So it’s no surprise to me that I am going to hell. However, a recent birthday, coupled with my inability to party like I used to, has got me to thinking about eternity. I was walking through campus last week, regretting, when I passed a dry erase board that asked if I needed to be forgiven. I decided today was a good day to talk to some people that I see nearly every day on the plaza but have never talked to.

I had always thought the board was run by the faction whose kids ruined the pool at Rams Pointe last summer, but I was wrong. Chi Alpha runs the booth, for those of you who have never stopped by. A little different from the Campus Inquisitors, but with the same general business – soul saving.

I asked the attractive girl (impure thought – another reason) running the stand for the marker and wrote an emphatic yes on the first board. The second one asked if I needed to be forgiven by God. I thought a minute and made the first “no” mark. I smiled, handed the marker back and asked if she thought God wanted us to ask for forgiveness. “Of course,” was her emphatic reply. “Don’t you?”

I told her I didn’t think God was interested in what we wanted. She replied with “but He is and He will forgive you.” She seemed nice, and I knew where she stood, but this group was foreign to me so I was interested in their views.

I asked her if she felt God made everything, animals – everything natural – for us. Genesis was mentioned. I was beginning to get it.

Have you ever noticed that the most devout Christians are also the first to OK the clearing of a forest? This is because they truly believe that everything was put here because Adam was bored, or in their words, “So great was God’s love for man.”

Another reason I am going to hell is that I don’t believe the Bible is meant to be taken literally. My next question was the one I ask first when judging someone’s level of devotion: “Is the Earth 7,000 years old?”

I was coming from left field, I know, so I explained that if you trace the lineage of Adam, who begot who and who lived to be 900, the Earth was somewhere around 7,000 years old. She wasn’t sure, but if it said so in the Bible, it must be true.

Her Chi Alpha friend leaned over and confirmed that humans did indeed coexist with dinosaurs.

I understood. Theirs is a reality far more comfortable than mine. They are safe from storms of doubt and confusion, like an anchor. I cursed my third grade education for destroying such a blissful reality, said goodbye and walked away unresolved

Keith is a senior studying English

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