Apr 022002

The past few weeks have been a little dry as far as current events go.

Last week, however, was different, enough so to prove once and for all that many, many Americans are dumb. Take, for example, the fools trying to run California’s state government, such as Sen. Deborah Ortiz, who believes the nation’s obesity is related to soda drinks.

That’s right.

Fat children are not the result of genetics, nor a lack of exercise or bad parenting. It’s all soda’s fault. So, the logical answer is to treat it like any other “sin product” (alcohol, tobacco, etc.) and discourage its use by taxing the living snikees out of it. What’s more, they want to create a “junk-food” tax as well!

Un-freakin’ believable, folks.

The thing is, this most likely isn’t about kids. It’s about California looking for a way to squeeze just a bit more revenue out of its already heavily taxed citizens. Add together the touchy topic of child obesity and a convenient popular target and you have instant income.

Screw the American dream of freedom. People shouldn’t be allowed to inexpensively enjoy a full pack of cigarettes on their porch while guzzling a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a 2-liter bottle of Coke in the other, washing down the fresh taste of greasy cheeseburgers and Twinkees, realizing their God-given, unalienable rights to be fat, cancerous, drunk Americans. Such rights are dumb anyway.

Speaking of God-given, how about that Easter capitalism? As if Santas at Christmas aren’t enough, we now have pink bunnies invading malls all around the country. Sounds grand. Once a year for Christmas capitalism isn’t enough, right? Why not repeat it at Easter, where children snuggle up to some pink rabbit, tell it about all the gifts and candy (subject to the junk-food tax, of course) they want and then run to the local Easter children’s fun land expo?

I’m not a communist – capitalism is a fine idea. But what’s the point of having a religious holiday if it’s exploited first, then submerged beneath fourteen tons of pop culture second? I can’t say, but apparently it’s easier to bury a holiday under capitalistic fluff than celebrate it for its true meaning. Easter used to be a fun, symbolic holiday. So were Christmas, Valentines Day and Halloween, at one point. Now they are simply expensive. At least with the 4th of July you get a little bang with your buck.

Oh yeah. The 4th of July. Why did we have a revolution a couple of hundred years ago just so we could elect schmucks today?

Case in point: The House of Representatives of the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky have recently introduced a bill to purchase a submarine to patrol the Ohio River. Why? Casino riverboats. Casino river boats have apparently become a problem to many people in Kentucky, so much so that lawmakers believe the best way to remove this gambling scourge from the pristine waters of the Ohio is to blow them up with torpedoes or something. Are these lawmakers on crack? Decide for yourself as I directly quote section 2 of the bill: “The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin’ so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.”

Where’s the trial by jury? Where’s the concern for people’s lives as they drown after a whoopin’ assault? What the hell is going on with this country?

Ken Hamner is a cynical graduate student.

 Posted by at 6:00 pm

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