Feb 202002

If something makes you cry, you have to do something about it. That’s the difference between politics and guilt.

– Bill Clinton

Looks like a sport other than presidential tee-ball will have people in Washington talking this summer.

Washington, D.C. city officials announced Tuesday that they granted heavyweight Mike Tyson a license to fight defending boxing champion Lennox Lewis at the MCI Center on June 8th.

Doubtless, D.C. is the capital of verbal boxing, with politicos duking it out over such heinous crimes as cutting or increasing taxes, limiting campaign contributions and defining what “is” is.

Now officials want to bring one of the most obnoxious lawbreakers in America to a city full of the most obnoxious lawmakers in America.

Why is this a bad idea? Several reasons.

Firstly, the proposed bout would take place in early June, when eager, nubile students – girls and boys alike – arrive to begin their political internships. A predator who lies to the public, controls millions of dollars and is just plain ugly should not be allowed to roam the streets of our nation’s capital, influencing and tempting these wide-eyed, inexperienced youth.

Secondly, June marks the apex of campaigning for the November elections, tons of fun for congresspersons. Would our leaders really need the added distraction of a missing young intern or political sex scandal as they labor to lead the country? Of course not. They’re trying to do their jobs, for Pete’s sake.

And thirdly, any event accompanied by booze and illegal wagering, as a Tyson match would surely be, is bound to cause social, economic and political calamities. Imagine the fallout over auditing the gleeful spectators who take bets. Plus, what would we be teaching legislators (and our children, for that matter) if we allowed some money-grubbing jerk to come to the city that seats the greatest power in the world? Corporate scandals, philandering and economic tomfoolery would inevitably ensue. We certainly don’t need that in America’s capital.

According to the Washington Post, D.C. Mayor Anthony D. Williams, a fine, upstanding politician, thinks the fight could have a “very positive impact” on the city.

Honestly, I don’t know how a mean-spirited event like a boxing match, where right hooks are hurled like Congressional insults and ears are bitten off like chunks of the federal surplus, could have a positive impact on anything.

Colorado was smart in rejecting the boxer last week. We don’t want to pollute our minds or our cities with the senseless, time-consuming travails of a troubled man desperate for attention.

On the other hand, maybe bringing Tyson to D.C. isn’t such a bad idea. It’s wackos like Gary Condit and Ken Lay they need to watch out for.

Nattering, Blase Commentator

I don’t know about you, but I would just love to fling a huge piece of humble pie into the expertly coiffed head of Bob Costas. I can’t believe how annoying the guy can be.

His contrite comments during the otherwise beautiful opening ceremonies two weeks ago were enough to make me wince – several times. He strives for the avuncular disposition of your next-door neighbor or funny bar pal, but it just doesn’t fly with him.

I say next time we let Chris Matthews, Dave Letterman and Kenny Mayne cover the Olympics. Imagine how much more entertaining that would be than hearing about how much Costas loves the bobsleigh competition.

Becky is a 2006 Olympic hopeful in the International Snowball Fighting/Luge Combined Event. If that doesn’t pan out, she hopes a degree in journalism and history will help.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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