Good day, and welcome to the program. Sure, political correctness is all the vibe these days. But where, I ask, is the fun in censoring a cynical mind?
Watching the CSU men’s basketball team “dismantle” the Falcons by three on Saturday, I tried to put myself in the shoes of an outsider – someone with no prior knowledge of these Rams or their game.
What would I be thinking?
With that, I give you “Snap Judgment Theater”:
/_/ Freddy Robinson. With a name like that, definitely should have been a boxer.
Too bad his biceps have the width of a beer bottle. Probably gets his kicks dunking on poor, unsuspecting freshmen at the rec center.
/_/ Head coach Dale Layer. Has five separate anxiety attacks on any given game night. Nightly routine probably involves hiding sharp objects. Breathe, Dale. Breathe. Apparently, he did pretty well at some Juco in Queens.
/_/ Brian Greene. The only player on this team. Averages roughly 42 points and 28 rebounds a game. Classic “Best player on a bad team” case. Good thing his teammates miss so many shots so he can get all those boards.
/_/ Matt Brown. “Enforcer” of the team. He’s got hair like Justin Timberlake, and he’s about as good on offense, too.
/_/ Jon Rakiecki. Gesundheit.
/_/ Matt Nelson. 7-feet tall, 128 pounds. Dislikes include short doorways and sudden wind gusts. One of those kids who got into the game just because he was tall. Shouldn’t be surprised he broke his big toe earlier this season, seeing as it’s roughly the size of a German U-boat.
/_/ Matt Williams. Way too good to be a CSU freshman and way too good-looking to be wasting away in Fort Collins. Layer would sit him more, but can’t for fear of losing the vast majority of the female fan contingency. Needs to loan Freddy some of his biceps.
/_/ Quantone Smith. Quantone … sounds more like an element on the periodic table than a power forward. I was afraid of this man until I saw his offense.
/_/ Andy Birley. Wears black shoes because he wants to be different. His shorts could comfortably house two small Afghan children and probably their pet burro, too. His jump shot is to mechanics what the leaning tower of Pisa is to architecture.
Are these judgments unfair? Absolutely.
Have these and others likely entered the minds of more than a few Ram opponents this year? There’s a distinct possibility.
Picture not being taken 100 percent seriously by your opponents and sometimes your own home crowd.
Now picture a team that sticks together and plays its heart out, despite its own limitations and the misconceptions and snap judgments of more than a few onlookers.
They will lose their share of games this year, but it’s not for lack of hard work. They will also win a few games this year, and it most likely won’t be pretty.
They’re an unorthodox, improbable collection of gym rats, Juco signees and high school stars.
And while they might inspire more than a few snap judgments, they’re also our team – laying it on the line for some small sliver of pride.
Now we just get Freddy to work on that left jab and I’ll be feeling that sliver as well.
Reed is a junior journalism major.