Nothing good ever happens to me on airplanes. I always seem to end up on 12-hour flights behind screaming infants, next to yowling cats or crammed in-between teenage boys who like to throw wads of paper down my cleavage while Iâ€™m asleep.
Hardly a flight goes by when my baggage isnâ€™t lost, my connection isnâ€™t canceled due to mysterious freak lighting storms or I donâ€™t find myself curled up on the floor beneath a discarded newspaper in some obscure, non-English speaking airport in the middle of the night.
The immigration officer flirted with me in Newark and then had my luggage searched for an hour because my giggling was â€œsuspicious.â€ An old man on the escalator in the Edinburgh airport fell backwards and busted his head open on my shoes. He lived, but my feet smelled like brain, and I puked up vodka from the night before the entire flight home.
And then somehow, there always seems to be an issue with the plane itself. We get to sit on the tarmac for two hours because the planeâ€™s wings wonâ€™t defrost properly (also known as the pilot is hammered). Somewhere over Iceland we hit some â€œunexpected turbulenceâ€ that makes the oxygen masks fall, the drink cart flip over and various assorted old people go rolling down the aisle.
Needless to say, the travel gods hate me. So if youâ€™re planning a spring break trip, you should probably try to avoid Delta flight 109 to Charlotte, N.C. on March 10 â€” unless you enjoy watching old people roll down the aisle.
Some things you should also consider when booking your flight this spring break is your weight and how hot your Facebook picture is. Because in addition to being profiled in the security line because of your dark skin and turban, your obesity and social media profiles are now going to affect your flight with certain airlines.
Taxing the Fatties
Thatâ€™s right, fatsos. According to a UK court of appeals, you canâ€™t sue airlines for embarrassing you when they ask you to pay a â€œfat taxâ€ if you canâ€™t fit in the seat.
Southwest and United Airlines have publicly announced that they will begin asking severely overweight passengers to purchase an additional seat or pay an extra fee in March of 2012. And as with any fad that bleeds customers of their hard-earned cash, I can almost guarantee you that it wonâ€™t be long until all the other airlines decide to jump on the bandwagon.
Many proclaim that this kind of tax is â€œdiscriminatoryâ€ or â€œbelow the beltâ€ as they clutch their fried chicken in their chubby little fists. But clearly these people have not spent a 10-hour flight crushed in-between two obese German men who refuse to let you out to use the bathroom because they are literally stuck in the seat.
If Iâ€™m paying upwards of $1,000 for a plane ticket, I do not want to share my seat with your stomach rolls. Perhaps concerned obese customers should postpone their flight and consider using the money to join the gym instead.
â€œMeet and Seatâ€
KLM airlines has recently pioneered a new way to choose your seat on the plane. Previously, we all had to rely on the luck of the draw when it came to who we ended up sitting next to on that 20-hour flight to Tokyo. But now, KLM Dutch airlines allows passengers to upload and share their Facebook or Twitter profile information with other passengers before choosing their seat.
Now theoretically this sounds like an awesome idea: Gone are the days when you are stuck sitting besides screaming infants or behind the Boy Scout troupe all hyped up on candy. I would no longer have to say desperate, pleading prayers that the hot guy with veiny forearms boarding in front of me would end up being my neighbor on the plane.
But at the same time, I donâ€™t want some creepy old guy looking at my profile and choosing the seat beside me because Iâ€™m a 20-year-old woman traveling alone. Iâ€™ve had my share of flights sitting besides some backwoods-looking mofos who spent the entire time trying to touch my leg because they thought I had a purty mouth. It is not pleasant.
And besides, even if I do hand-pick a hot man to sit next to, how creepy does that make me look that I went online, stalked a stranger and then decided I wanted to sit by him out of an entire plane full of people? Pretty damn creepy.
KLM Dutch Airlines is basically encouraging online stalking.
Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet againâ€¦Cheers!
Morgan Mayo is a junior journalism major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.