Feb 142012
Authors: Morgan Mayo

“Oh my God. He didn’t text back. Is there something wrong with me?”

If you are a college-aged male without the ability to grow facial hair, play a guitar or get rid of your back-acne, you have probably heard this phrase at one point in your life.

More than likely it came out of the mouth of that bombshell titty-tastic brunette who lives down the hall and calls you her “friend.” In girl language, that means that you’re a safe, unattractive nerd that we can whine to about other men, without being afraid that you’ll try to bang us when we’re hammered.

As a good guy, you will inevitably respond to her by saying, “You’re perfect. He’s an asshole and you deserve better,” just as you have a million times before.

Of course, we both know that she’s never actually going to break up with that asshole boyfriend of hers. Neither will she remember the nice things you said to her as soon as he texts her back. In fact, she’ll bail on your “friend date” later in order to hook up with him in the back of his Ford F150.

But you’ll still stick around. Hoping she’ll get dumped one day and you’ll be there to give her a hug and intercept that pesky, rebound BJ she’ll be dying to give.

So as a nice guy, you’re probably wondering: “If they bitch about it so much, why do women continue to date men who are assholes?”

Lucky for you, my lovable loser, I have an answer.

They Challenge Us

Intimidating men have always been a pretty easy task for me. Being an only child taught me the power of pairing the exasperated sigh with the eye roll. I ask, I kiss, I coddle, I pout and then I tantrum.

Nice guys quake in the wake of feminine fury and fill my ego to the brim with compliments, quit their jobs to spend more time with me and give up bro nights to watch figure skating competitions.
Nice men are easily conquered; they’re boring.

Assholes, on the other hand, can never be conquered. They laugh at us when we fall in the snow, smack our asses when we get bitchy and refuse to let us win at scrabble.

A man who isn’t afraid of pissing me off is a man I consider my intellectual equal. And yes, he misses my birthday to go kayaking, texts me one word responses and never makes me breakfast the next morning. But all those things mean he has a life of his own.

Independence is sexy.

They Refuse To Bow Down and Worship

Assholes are smart enough to realize that you should never put pussy on a pedestal. Whether we admit it or not, women use sex as a bargaining chip all the time.

Case in point:

“I can’t believe you would rather go out with the guys than watch ‘The Notebook’ with me. You are not getting laid tonight.”

“I don’t care if you have class tomorrow. If you don’t wake up at 3 a.m. and have sex with me, then I won’t give it to you when you want it.”

Assholes tend to view sex as a “take it or leave it” kind of deal. Women lose their bargaining chip and suddenly we find ourselves the seductress instead of the seduced. This disconcerting reversal of roles leaves us hotter than a cat on a tin roof.

Nice guys, on the other hand, bow down and worship before the power of pussy. They mistakenly believe that men want sex more than women do.

They lose all their power and wake up to find their balls floating in a bottle of Chanel No. 5 on top of a Cosmo and box of tampons.

You’ll Always Be There To Pick Up The Pieces

Every woman has one. The Quasimodo-esque guy who is madly in love with her but below her league. So, as women, what do we do with our hopeless hunchback? Naturally, we exploit them.

They are the shoulder to cry on. The guy that lets us talk about our daddy issues without batting an eye. He is always there to pick up the pieces. With Quasimodo at our side, we are free to date assholes with the knowledge that we can come home to emotional support whenever we need it.

So ultimately, why do women love assholes?

Because you let us, nice guys…because you let us.

Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet again…


Morgan Mayo is a junior creative writing major. Her columns appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

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