Feb 132012
Authors: Bayley Enright and Emily Kribs

Bayley Enright:

Valentine’s Day. When we were younger, it involved pink-frosted sugar cookies and those disgusting multi-colored candy hearts, which nobody likes but for some reason still exist. It was that day you handed out Disney-themed cards asking all 20 kids in your second grade class to be your Valentine, and maybe received similar requests in return.

But we’re in college now. Valentine’s Day takes on a whole different spin when you’re 19 years old with a cartload of mid-semester homework and zero romantic prospects. I’m sure you’ve all heard today referred to as Singles Awareness Day.

On one end of the single-on-Valentine’s-Day spectrum, we have those who paint themselves with warpaint and draw up signs condemning society’s obsession with romantic love, and on the other end are those who spend the day throwing popcorn at the latest made-for-television romance film while making their way through boxes of tissues.

And then there are the couples, who have fallen off the spectrum completely. But single or not, Valentine’s Day is a holiday, and it should be celebrated no matter your relationship status. So here, from me to you, are five ways to spend this Valentine’s day, for couples and singles alike.

1) Spread Nutella on everything you eat. And I mean everything. Be wild. Never had Nutella? Today is the best day to begin an addiction you will never be able to break, but an addiction I guarantee will make you happier.
2) Stalk your celebrity crush. Admit it, you have at least one. Valentine’s Day is the one day out of the year in which you can completely justify trolling the Internet for pictures and videos of someone you adore. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by.
3) Watch “Jurassic Park.” Forget those sappy romance movies –– I don’t care if you like “The Notebook.” Today is Valentine’s Day. “Jurassic Park” is the way to go. Or “Star Wars.” You choose.
4) Dance. Whether it’s tearing up the floor at a club or rocking out in your room to your Doctor Who ringtone, dancing makes it a holiday. You can even just bob your head to the tuneless rhythm of your bicycle. But dance. Today’s a special day.
5) Tell someone you love them. Best friend, mom, cat or even that celebrity you’ve been stalking. We all love someone. And it’s Valentine’s Day, people. Even if you never speak those words aloud, make today the exception.

Emily Kribs:

Nerds are not exactly renowned for their romantic expertise. This is because we are a goldmine of great information that we have selfishly hoarded since whenever nerds were first invented.

Bayley’s ideas for the single are surefire hits, of course. I can’t endorse Nutella enough. But should you tire of shirtless pictures of Ryan Gosling on Pinterest, I write to reveal five ancient nerd secrets that are sure to win the heart of your paramour of choice.

1. Bring them a dead animal. Nothing is more alluring than a romantic prospect who knows how to hunt. Even if you scooped some roadkill off the street, your soon-to-be valentine doesn’t have to know that. A word of caution though: This tends to work best if both you and the object of your affection are cats.
2. Fall in love the scientific way. Basically, what you do is stare each other in the eyes for a while, then share lots of embarrassing secrets. The impact of so much TMI in such high concentrations will daze and confuse your crush into thinking dating you is a good idea.
3. Perform a mating dance. This one’s a classic. You might believe this is a method of courtship reserved for the avian community, but I think you’ll find that if you watch almost any musical, the protagonist can win over his or her love interest through song and dance. This only works if you’re a good dancer, though.
4. Ply them with food. Everyone likes food. Remember Bayley’s tip about Nutella? Well, you can take that Nutella and use it to draw in your sweetheart. A tip: As they say, you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, so if flies are your bag, make sure it’s good food.
5. Stalk them. The only thing more attractive than someone who already knows the intimate details of your life (in its entirety thanks to Facebook’s timeline format) is someone who brings you a dead animal. Be sure to mention your beloved’s favorite bands and political views, and recite some of their favorite quotes verbatim. Or take the old-fashioned route and set up camp in their neighbor’s yard!

Now you know the secret methods used by nerds for decades to succeed in love. I wish you godspeed, since it’s already Valentine’s Day, and that you not come after me if you fail to gain the affections you so desire.

 Posted by at 3:22 pm

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