One year ago today, I wrote a column entitled, â€œAre you single and alone on Valentineâ€™s Day?â€
And here I am at the Collegian, one year, two soul-crushing semesters, 156 bottles of wine, 1,672 listens of â€œAll the Single Ladies,â€ 19 mentions of my fake British boyfriend and one column about my love for the Legend of Zelda later, and Iâ€™m still a strong, independent white woman.
And, this year, even moreso than before, Iâ€™m equipped to give all of you lonely women out there some hope, to give you some tips for celebrating the day that is meant to crush us all in fine style.
Tip #1: Create a badass playlist
Most of you may not know this, unless you were at Lucky Joeâ€™s the night I was trying to persuade the musical guest to do an acoustic cover of â€œMy Heart Will Go On,â€ but despite my outwardly suave nature, Iâ€™m Celine Marie Claudette Dionâ€™s biggest fan.
And, coincidentally enough, her music is perfectly conducive to a night spent alone on your couch, watching Greyâ€™s Anatomy and eating cheap gourmet cheese while your roommate is actually honoring St. Valentine by going on a date â€“â€“ not like I would know.
Either that, or Ludacrisâ€™s effervescent hit, â€œWhatâ€™s Your Fantasy?â€ is the perfect Valentineâ€™s jam.
Tip #2: Working out is your best friend… but dress like a slut… or at least a woman
The other day, after arriving at my apartment covered in mud and reeking of sweat after a trail run up to Horsetooth Rock, I told my roommate that I met the hottest guy.
â€œAnd the best part is, I had to have looked pretty rugged today!â€ I exclaimed.
â€œYes, Ali. Guys totally like rugged women,â€ she said.
And let this be a lesson to all of you: You may feel cool because you can climb a 5.13 pitch or bench-press 300 pounds, but at the end of the day, if youâ€™re working out, donâ€™t be like me. Try to look like a woman, or at least Chris Colfer from â€œGlee.â€ And who knows, maybe you wonâ€™t be spending Valentineâ€™s Day alone after all!
Tip #3: Adopting a dog or cat may seem like a good idea now, but in a couple of weeks when you realize you randomly adopted an animal, it might not be a great idea
Imagine this. Itâ€™s Valentineâ€™s Day, youâ€™re lonely and you just finished up a box of Sunset Blush-flavored Franzia and a box of chocolates all by yourself (either that, or you shared it with your fake British boyfriend.)
â€œHoardersâ€ is on, and youâ€™ve been exposed to crazy cat ladies. Youâ€™ve realized that being a crazy cat lady is in your future. In your cheap wineâ€“addled state, you realize that itâ€™s about goddamn time you adopt your own animal. So you call RamRide, make them drive you to either Animal House or the Fort Collins Cat Rescue, and before you know it, youâ€™re the proud owner of a Cocker Spaniel named Jane Paws-ten and a cat named Kitty Purry (which is actually the name of Katy Perryâ€™s cat… not like I would know.)
But trust me guys, in a couple of weeks when you realize that Jane and Kitty need food, youâ€™ll realize that youâ€™re in no emotional place to be a parent.
Tip #4: Take a trip to the Ho-Chunk Casino in the Wisconsin Dells.
Trust me guys â€” â€œThunder Down Under,â€ an all-male, all-Aussie strip show, will prove to you that you donâ€™t need a man to complete you.
Content Managing Editor Allison Sylte can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.