Feb 062012
Authors: Allison Sylte

One year ago today, I wrote a column entitled, “Are you single and alone on Valentine’s Day?”

And here I am at the Collegian, one year, two soul-crushing semesters, 156 bottles of wine, 1,672 listens of “All the Single Ladies,” 19 mentions of my fake British boyfriend and one column about my love for the Legend of Zelda later, and I’m still a strong, independent white woman.

And, this year, even moreso than before, I’m equipped to give all of you lonely women out there some hope, to give you some tips for celebrating the day that is meant to crush us all in fine style.

Tip #1: Create a badass playlist

Most of you may not know this, unless you were at Lucky Joe’s the night I was trying to persuade the musical guest to do an acoustic cover of “My Heart Will Go On,” but despite my outwardly suave nature, I’m Celine Marie Claudette Dion’s biggest fan.

And, coincidentally enough, her music is perfectly conducive to a night spent alone on your couch, watching Grey’s Anatomy and eating cheap gourmet cheese while your roommate is actually honoring St. Valentine by going on a date –– not like I would know.

Either that, or Ludacris’s effervescent hit, “What’s Your Fantasy?” is the perfect Valentine’s jam.

Tip #2: Working out is your best friend… but dress like a slut… or at least a woman

The other day, after arriving at my apartment covered in mud and reeking of sweat after a trail run up to Horsetooth Rock, I told my roommate that I met the hottest guy.

“And the best part is, I had to have looked pretty rugged today!” I exclaimed.

“Yes, Ali. Guys totally like rugged women,” she said.

And let this be a lesson to all of you: You may feel cool because you can climb a 5.13 pitch or bench-press 300 pounds, but at the end of the day, if you’re working out, don’t be like me. Try to look like a woman, or at least Chris Colfer from “Glee.” And who knows, maybe you won’t be spending Valentine’s Day alone after all!

Tip #3: Adopting a dog or cat may seem like a good idea now, but in a couple of weeks when you realize you randomly adopted an animal, it might not be a great idea

Imagine this. It’s Valentine’s Day, you’re lonely and you just finished up a box of Sunset Blush-flavored Franzia and a box of chocolates all by yourself (either that, or you shared it with your fake British boyfriend.)

“Hoarders” is on, and you’ve been exposed to crazy cat ladies. You’ve realized that being a crazy cat lady is in your future. In your cheap wine–addled state, you realize that it’s about goddamn time you adopt your own animal. So you call RamRide, make them drive you to either Animal House or the Fort Collins Cat Rescue, and before you know it, you’re the proud owner of a Cocker Spaniel named Jane Paws-ten and a cat named Kitty Purry (which is actually the name of Katy Perry’s cat… not like I would know.)

But trust me guys, in a couple of weeks when you realize that Jane and Kitty need food, you’ll realize that you’re in no emotional place to be a parent.

Tip #4: Take a trip to the Ho-Chunk Casino in the Wisconsin Dells.

Trust me guys — “Thunder Down Under,” an all-male, all-Aussie strip show, will prove to you that you don’t need a man to complete you.

Content Managing Editor Allison Sylte can be reached at news@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 2:45 pm

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