When presented with unpleasant things in life, I ask, â€œWould I rather do this, or spend a week in a maximum-security Tijuana prison?â€
Earlier, I asked myself this in regards to watching Super Bowl XLVI. The Tijuana prison won.
Many people, like Sports Editor Cris Tiller, thrive on the legacy, excitement and patriotism of the game. Iâ€™m sure, in his masculine brain, he thinks things like, â€œThe Super Bowl is an American institution,â€ and, â€œItâ€™s the annual culmination of everything the spirit of football has worked toward in our country,â€ and mostly, â€œFootball. YEAH, SPORTS. Football.â€
But I canâ€™t. I just canâ€™t. And to my fellow Americans who also canâ€™t sit through a game of football without feeling both physical and mental anguish, I want you to know: You are not alone.
And with a little ingenuity, we just may make it out of this Super Bowl Sunday alive.
Do not, no matter how cute he is, PRETEND to like football
We all know â€œthatâ€ girl. Every Sunday during football season, she shows up to her boyfriendâ€™s house clad in his favorite teamâ€™s jersey, loudly proclaiming to the TV screen, â€œLetâ€™s see some line of scrimmage, man-to-man, free-agent defensive tackle today, boys!â€
Girlfriend, please, just stop. We all know you googled â€œfootball jargonâ€ earlier, as I just did right now. This Sunday, donâ€™t be that girl. If you hate football, donâ€™t pretend otherwise â€“â€“ youâ€™re only torturing yourself.
Focus on the positive, i.e., excessive eating and commercials with a half-naked David Beckham
When you enter the room where the big game is playing, you need to, without any hesitation, seek out the food. Donâ€™t stop to drop off your things â€“â€“ donâ€™t even take off your jacket. Briskly walk up to the snack table, look to see if anyone is watching and grab the entire tray of nachos. You heard me correctly â€“â€“ ENTIRE TRAY. Youâ€™ll need it.
Then, subtly hide the nachos on the floor of the closet as you put your jacket away. As you sneak away during the commercials (the best part) to â€œfreshen up,â€ duck into the coat closet and eat your way back to sanity.
But no matter what, ladies, make sure you stay for the commercials in the first quarter. Thatâ€™s when David Beckhamâ€™s â€œBodywear for H&Mâ€ commercial is set to air.
Beckhamâ€™s bod wonâ€™t be as good as the nachos, but itâ€™ll certainly help ease the pain of the four and a half hours of football.
Editorial Editor Colleen McSweeney can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.