Jan 182012
Authors: Lydia Jorden

To some it’s just another day. To others, it’s one they wait for every year. It means entertaining the ideas of turning others on, being turned down or turned around.

For me, this special day began while walking into the crowded store early one Monday morning. Was it a good excuse to skip work? I wouldn’t know, because I didn’t. But I know calling in sick to attend an event of this magnitude is well justified.

As I pondered where to begin my search, I got lost in an intricate embellishment that danced across a garment. I was a bird with my eyes fixed on the dazzling rhinestones that resembled fireworks with a pink chiffon background. I thought to myself, “This is what I have been waiting for all year.”
I was pushed aside and brought back to reality as a woman yelled, “I found the discounted pasties!” and, “This bra has built in nipples.” This was a war zone, and no one surrenders without finding the
perfect pair. My quest began on Jan. 2, 2012.

The Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale boasts the hottest sale of bras and panties. If you’re looking for new underwear, whether it be ridiculous with jingle bells or practical for your period, this is the sexiest store to start your search.

Unfortunately, you’re not alone in this search. You can come across some pretty creepy people during this sale. My favorite are the mid-60 year old men who relentlessly dig through the underwear bins. I get it. They want people to think they are buying for their wife. In any other case, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but when these individuals occasionally hold up the “I love presents” thong while deceitfully eyeing the girl across the store, different thoughts run through my head.
Stereotyping what someone loves or hates by imagining them in said thong should be exclusive to each individual person.

Luckily, finding a pair of underwear that stereotypes you is just around the corner. You’ll find these character builders by rummaging through the “$3.99 and Up” bin. The next time your man or woman “unwraps” you, some confusing phrases may strike the wrong cord. For example:
“Love and Glitter”: This phrase written on your butt can be easily confused for your love for Mariah Carey’s movie, “Glitter.” However, one of these things does not belong with the other. Associating love with glitter on your rear-end can create a confusing association for your partner. Skip this pair.
“HoHoHo”: Intimates with this saying are reserved for those who want to show Santa some love. Maybe flaunting your fanny with this hot little “ho”-bearing text will make Santa fly so fast to you that NORAD can’t even track him. I would mention the importance of leaving out milk and cookies, but I’m sure wearing these is enough of a treat.

“Unwrap Me”: This saying has managed to fit on a legitimate piece of string. Enough said.
Now, once you have the chance to glance at the obnoxious phrases written in hard glitter or scratchy sequins, don’t fret. Underneath all these hideous pairs, you may be able to find attractive intimates. Be diligent in your search. Allocate the underwear and make the bins your own. It seems so easy to get distraught and throw in the white flag before you really even give yourself a chance.
The sale ended on Jan. 16, so if you’re a woman, you’re probably damn upset, because bras and panties can be pretty freaking expensive. And although I’m not too worried about my overall sexiness, nothing says turned-off like cotton underwear that has lost its elasticity 10 washes ago. Luckily, you can still shop the sale online until Jan. 22.

Don’t worry though –– the in-store deal will be back in six months, and when it returns, remember this article. Experience its magic for yourself and you may soon understand what the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual sale can mean to you.

Lydia Jorden is a junior business major. Her column appears Thursdays in the Collegian. She, unfortunately, was not sponsored for writing this. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

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