Dec 012011
Authors: Adam Suriel-Gestwicki

Stephen King once said, “‘Harry Potter’ is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. ‘Twilight’ is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
I am sad to say: I sat through the first “Twilight” movie. I didn’t enjoy it, but I paid my $7.50 and watched it from the horrible start to its terrible ending, only to find out from the ending credits, there was going to be another one.

I had nightmares about the fact, actually. I didn’t know “Twilight” was not supposed to be a horror movie because I left it horrified and confused. The first question that arose: Why would anyone be afraid of a person that glitters in the sun?

The person could even be a vampire, with super-human strength who likes a mediocre-looking actress whose careers will only be remembered by how much pain she caused the male sex for half a century.

The night “New Moon” came out in 2008, I was back home in Georgia. My friend’s sister suggested we go see it –– apparently the CGI effects were amazing, and there were fight scenes. She assured everyone the movie wasn’t as bad as everyone said it was. Every guy was caught off guard by her proposal, especially by the emphasis she put on “action scenes” and “CGI.” She’s going to make a great lawyer someday.

As there is nothing to do in Georgia, I prepared for my imminent downfall while she looked at movie times. Understanding the truth about “Twilight,” I told my mom I loved her, hugged my dad and prayed to God, Buddha, Krishna and my beer to take pity on my soul.

My beer saved not just me, but all of us that night, as we decided to drink excessively instead. To the girls who are thinking of dragging their boyfriends/dates along to this movie, here’s a piece of advice.

If a guy acts like he is about to go to war before going to see a movie, chances are, he doesn’t want to go. If they say yes, they like you, maybe even love you, for what they are about to subject themselves to in order to make you happy.

I would rather cook dinner by candlelight, sing a song by Jason Mraz and then top off the night with “The Notebook” in order to make a girl happy and feel like my heterosexuality had not been compromised as it would in a “Twilight” movie. In fact, I would have no problem doing that depending on the girl.

Girls can chalk “Twilight” into the same category as: getting your nails done, going for a jog and in some cases, being a vegetarian.

“Twilight” is probably ranked among the top-three things I don’t enjoy in this world, alongside being kicked in the groin and listening to political discussions. Each cause a discomfort that leaves me in a state of petrified pain, which lingers long after it’s been established.

I’ve made the rule not to set foot in the theater during a “Twilight” movie’s opening weekend. There are too many scenarios, and this world is too unpredictable to risk being within the vicinity of a “Twilight” screening. So I stay at home, or at the bars with a beer perpetually in my hand, further hindering my ability to be mobile and to remember what weekend it is.

I’m not an anomaly in this instance. Most men understand and share the fear that perpetuates through the coming weeks before a new “Twilight” movie comes out. I start to feel my mortality, as there are not many other things that feel so fatal to my being.

But every year I persevere without a scratch, defiantly triumphant as the opening weekend comes to an end.

The problem that arises is that “Breaking Dawn” is still the No. 1 movie in America after two damn weeks, and there are very few other choices out there to sway a date or someone toward seeing.

While I’m quite positive I could drink myself out of my fear and worry that I may accidentally or forcibly find myself inside “Breaking Dawn” while being gagged and bonded over the next few weeks, I’ve made it a rule not to drink my problems away in successive weekends –– this is because of a court hearing I lost against my liver.

So if anyone who reads this sees me being forcibly pushed into the deep and dark abyss of “Breaking Dawn,” for the love of whatever you believe in, SAVE ME.

Adam Suriel-Gestwicki is a junior English major. His column appears every other Friday in the Collegian. He can be reached at

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