Nov 152011
 
Authors: Morgan Mayo

Jimmy Carr once said that domestic abuse was kind of like keying your own car –– completely stupid and pointless.

That is, unless Satan tells you to do it.

Satan has always had a propensity for trouble: inciting massive angelic rebellions, stealing fruit, encouraging the betrayal and crucifixion of major religious leaders. But recently, the sneaky mob boss of the underworld struck again when he encouraged two Milwaukee women to lure an 18-year-old male from Phoenix into their apartment and stab him over 300 times while engaging in group sex acts.

The man met Rebecca Chandler online and flew from Phoenix to Milwaukee to visit her. Initially, Chandler claims the stabbing occurred during sex and was consensual. However, when Rebecca’s Satanist roommate, Raven “Scarlett” Larabee got involved, things began to get a bit…well, kinky.

Police were able to locate the apartment due to a pool of blood leaking out from under the door and determined Larabee was attempting to use the man in a satanic ritual.

At the scene, they found duct-tape restraints, bloody rope and multiple books about Satan worship and werewolves thought to be purchased from Hot Topic.

Now it’s embarrassing enough to be caught with your knickers around your ankles. But actually choosing to buy your devil books from Hot Topic? Even the police were giggling.

What police failed to ask at the scene was how many times Chandler and Larabee had seen “Twilight.” I’m willing to venture a guess that it was more than once.

The jury is also still out on why the young man involved decided to spend money to fly all the way to Milwaukee to sleep with a woman that looks like she recently escaped from Azkaban.

Both women are being held for sentencing under a $150,000 bail.

Prosecutors say they have no intention of pressing charges against Satan at this time.

I think the main thing this cheery little news story brings to mind is the whole concept of sexual boundaries. When does “heavy petting” become “beating”? What is the line between “choking” and “strangling”?

And how do you communicate about your weirdo needs without sending the other person screaming from your house (or leaving it yourself in handcuffs with a police escort)?

Rebecca Chandler was honestly just a misunderstood freak with pent up sexual energy and a crazy roommate. We’ve all been there before. If she’d had a better grasp of communicating about her needs and boundaries, she might not be facing a few years in the pen.

I find the best approach is usually in-the-moment honesty. For example:

“All of your bad porn star moaning is getting on my nerves. If you put this gag ball in your mouth, it might shut you up enough for me to enjoy this.”

Or, “I’m so ready to do you, but I really have to pee and the bathroom is all the way down the hall. Mind if I just go on your face?”

Or finally, “Could you put on this Catholic school girl outfit?

It’s not that you aren’t beautiful. I’m just only attracted to children.”

With lines like those, who could resist you, McStudly?

(The Collegian is not responsible for the payment of any bails, charges or court fees incurred after following advice and/or using incriminating phrases found in the Opinion section.)

So what if you’re in the opposite situation and you don’t have a freaky bone in your conservative body, but you’re dating someone who can only get off if you’re bound and gagged while they suck on your toes?

Well, in most situations your willingness to try something new and kinky is directly correlated to how attractive the other person is. If Johnny Depp asked you to play dominatrix for a night, you would at least consider it. If Herman Cain asked the same, you would press charges.

So there you go. If you aren’t willing to be as freaky as your significant other, then they obviously aren’t hot enough for you; so, you should just break up with them.

The only other option my lovelies, is to close your eyes and think of England.

Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet again…
Cheers!

_Morgan Mayo is a junior natural resources major. Her column appears Tuesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com _

 Posted by at 4:49 pm

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