Nov 032011
Authors: Rachel Childs, Colleen McSweeney, Courtney Riley, Allison Sylte, Erin Udell

As the great 1970s Swedish pop band ABBA wisely said, “breaking up is never easy,” but as those of us who have been in bad relationships know, it’s a necessary evil.

So next time you call for an “SOS” and say “knowing me, knowing you know, there’s nothing we can do,” heed this advice from the women of the Collegian, and who knows, you might get yourself a new “man after midnight” who will have you thinking about “Waterloo.”

Allison Sylte: “Thank You for the Music” (… but it’s frickin’ over.)

My idea of a break-up is just to ignore my significant other until he gets the hint. This means no texts, no phone calls, no talking, no nothing. We’re just done.

I don’t usually give warning signs. Usually I just get sick of him, and then it’s like, “Boom! Where did Ali go? She’s not talking to me.”

(Note: I am the worst person to date, because I am such a bitch.)

And if he doesn’t get the hint when I just fall off the face of the Earth –– he isn’t worth my ginger time.

Courtney Riley: “Honey, Honey” (…how you don’t thrill me.)

Unlike Ali, I think completely ignoring your significant other is just mean. You should be able to tell a guy to his face that you no longer want him.

Obviously, this isn’t a fun option. But it’s the right thing to do. Even though it feels cruel at the time, in the long run you’re saving both parties some heartache if you’re just honest.

The least you can do is inform your man he isn’t what you want. Either he screwed up in the situation, or he just has intolerable imperfections. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t feel too guilty. It’s not your fault that you deserve perfection.

As Abba would say, “I’d heard about you before, I wanted to know some more, and now I know what they mean…” you just don’t do it for me.

Erin Udell: (Still looking for) “Fernando.”

I’m with Ali on this one. I too like to ignore things until they become a problem, especially in the form of my patented move, the “attack and retreat.”

We shared a super special connection for a day or whatever, but I like to move on quickly… like a lioness or some other bad-ass female jungle cat. The root of this probably lies in my fickle nature.
You could be a great guy, but the second you say something weird or I notice your strangely delicate hands, it’s over.

This is where the retreat comes in. My method includes to cut off all communication.

I’ll ignore your texts (and you) like the f***ing plague. Don’t ask me why. I don’t even know. Is this the best strategy? Obviously not. Am I currently alone? Obviously yes. But I’m confident my Fernando is out there somewhere, playing the guitar on a beach or something.

Rachel Childs: “Should I laugh or cry” (after it’s over.)

I don’t know what you consider a relationship, Ali and Erin, but that sounds like a coward’s move to a one night stand. Not a serious breakup.

In my very brief dating life, I’ve been the dumped one. It was after one date and the break-off was over Facebook. It read like a formal resignation letter and his reason of “religious obligations” was a complete lie, but was still better than a complete ice-out.

Truth is, I wanted to be the one to dump him and was so relieved once it was over.

Finding the proper way can be really hard. Will they cry after? Yell at me? Blow up in a crazy jealous rage and pull the whole “If I can’t be with you know one else can” line?

Being a Libra, I’m cosmically bad at conflict, so I wish I had the gall to just shove it off like nothing ever happened. But my natural guilt prevents it.

If anything, it will be a natural instinct to wait until they dump me, since I don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. I predict several failed marriages, but if it stops be from being labeled a frigid bitch I’ll pay the alimony.

Colleen McSweeney: “Lay All Your Love On Me” (because I feel like a bitch.)

Alright, ladies. ALRIGHT. I can tell you one thing for sure: those sensitive Swedes of ABBA would not drop men like they’re some stale piece of Swedish Fish. They realize that love is a battlefield, and sometimes, the irrationally sensitive guys we dump receive wounds on their irrationally sensitive hearts.

Sure, some may accuse me of not having a backbone, but I think if you grow tired of a boyfriend, and assuming you’re not leaving him because he cheated on you, it should be your responsibility to act as his therapist after you leave him –– at least until he pulls himself together.

So, honey, “Don’t go wasting your emotion/Lay all your love on me.” Then, I’ll help you find another girlfriend and/or shrink.

Allison Sylte, Courtney Riley, Erin Udell, Rachel Childs and Colleen McSweeney will appear in this estrogen-filled column every other Friday. They can be reached (for dates) at

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