As the great 1970s Swedish pop band ABBA wisely said, â€œbreaking up is never easy,â€ but as those of us who have been in bad relationships know, itâ€™s a necessary evil.
So next time you call for an â€œSOSâ€ and say â€œknowing me, knowing you know, thereâ€™s nothing we can do,â€ heed this advice from the women of the Collegian, and who knows, you might get yourself a new â€œman after midnightâ€ who will have you thinking about â€œWaterloo.â€
Allison Sylte: â€œThank You for the Musicâ€ (… but itâ€™s frickinâ€™ over.)
My idea of a break-up is just to ignore my significant other until he gets the hint. This means no texts, no phone calls, no talking, no nothing. Weâ€™re just done.
I donâ€™t usually give warning signs. Usually I just get sick of him, and then itâ€™s like, â€œBoom! Where did Ali go? Sheâ€™s not talking to me.â€
(Note: I am the worst person to date, because I am such a bitch.)
And if he doesnâ€™t get the hint when I just fall off the face of the Earth â€“â€“ he isnâ€™t worth my ginger time.
Courtney Riley: â€œHoney, Honeyâ€ (…how you donâ€™t thrill me.)
Unlike Ali, I think completely ignoring your significant other is just mean. You should be able to tell a guy to his face that you no longer want him.
Obviously, this isnâ€™t a fun option. But itâ€™s the right thing to do. Even though it feels cruel at the time, in the long run youâ€™re saving both parties some heartache if youâ€™re just honest.
The least you can do is inform your man he isnâ€™t what you want. Either he screwed up in the situation, or he just has intolerable imperfections. At the end of the day, you shouldnâ€™t feel too guilty. Itâ€™s not your fault that you deserve perfection.
As Abba would say, â€œIâ€™d heard about you before, I wanted to know some more, and now I know what they mean…â€ you just donâ€™t do it for me.
Erin Udell: (Still looking for) â€œFernando.â€
Iâ€™m with Ali on this one. I too like to ignore things until they become a problem, especially in the form of my patented move, the â€œattack and retreat.â€
We shared a super special connection for a day or whatever, but I like to move on quickly… like a lioness or some other bad-ass female jungle cat. The root of this probably lies in my fickle nature.
You could be a great guy, but the second you say something weird or I notice your strangely delicate hands, itâ€™s over.
This is where the retreat comes in. My method includes to cut off all communication.
Iâ€™ll ignore your texts (and you) like the f***ing plague. Donâ€™t ask me why. I donâ€™t even know. Is this the best strategy? Obviously not. Am I currently alone? Obviously yes. But Iâ€™m confident my Fernando is out there somewhere, playing the guitar on a beach or something.
Rachel Childs: â€œShould I laugh or cryâ€ (after itâ€™s over.)
I donâ€™t know what you consider a relationship, Ali and Erin, but that sounds like a cowardâ€™s move to a one night stand. Not a serious breakup.
In my very brief dating life, Iâ€™ve been the dumped one. It was after one date and the break-off was over Facebook. It read like a formal resignation letter and his reason of â€œreligious obligationsâ€ was a complete lie, but was still better than a complete ice-out.
Truth is, I wanted to be the one to dump him and was so relieved once it was over.
Finding the proper way can be really hard. Will they cry after? Yell at me? Blow up in a crazy jealous rage and pull the whole â€œIf I canâ€™t be with you know one else canâ€ line?
Being a Libra, Iâ€™m cosmically bad at conflict, so I wish I had the gall to just shove it off like nothing ever happened. But my natural guilt prevents it.
If anything, it will be a natural instinct to wait until they dump me, since I donâ€™t want to hurt the guyâ€™s feelings. I predict several failed marriages, but if it stops be from being labeled a frigid bitch Iâ€™ll pay the alimony.
Colleen McSweeney: â€œLay All Your Love On Meâ€ (because I feel like a bitch.)
Alright, ladies. ALRIGHT. I can tell you one thing for sure: those sensitive Swedes of ABBA would not drop men like theyâ€™re some stale piece of Swedish Fish. They realize that love is a battlefield, and sometimes, the irrationally sensitive guys we dump receive wounds on their irrationally sensitive hearts.
Sure, some may accuse me of not having a backbone, but I think if you grow tired of a boyfriend, and assuming youâ€™re not leaving him because he cheated on you, it should be your responsibility to act as his therapist after you leave him â€“â€“ at least until he pulls himself together.
So, honey, â€œDonâ€™t go wasting your emotion/Lay all your love on me.â€ Then, Iâ€™ll help you find another girlfriend and/or shrink.
Allison Sylte, Courtney Riley, Erin Udell, Rachel Childs and Colleen McSweeney will appear in this estrogen-filled column every other Friday. They can be reached (for dates) at firstname.lastname@example.org.