The lights were dimmed, and the aromatherapy candles cast soft shadows across my bare skin. In the background was the sound of a romantic solo violin and the soothing rushing of water from a fountain. My robe was warming in the corner with the Moroccan massage oils.
My blonde, tan masseuse with huge hands, giant muscles and a particular likeness to a certain natural resources professor of mine, asked me which scent of oil I preferred. He recommended vanilla, to encourage sensuality.
Didnâ€™t quite realize I was paying him for that.
But it only got worse (or better?) from there. I think the session really peaked when he told me I had a lot of lower back tension and then began to massage by bare ass for a good half hour.
When it got to the point where I half expected a hairy old guy to pop out from behind the silk curtains with a video camera and a bottle of lube, I realized my masseuse really shouldâ€™ve been paying me.
The whole experience made me realize that if CSU invested in a free spa and relaxation center for students instead of hiring a bunch of apathetic construction workers to hammer obnoxiously behind mysterious walls in the library (theyâ€™re clearly building an army of cyborgs in there), everyone would be much happier.
It should also be a requirement that single male grad students under the age of 30 with some semblance of a six-pack put in some hours at the student spa to really learn the definition of community serviceâ€¦.(nudge, nudge), if you know what I mean.
Now if youâ€™ve never been to a spa before and you think itâ€™s something you might want to try, there are a few protocols to keep in mind.
When you come into the spa, they will more than likely offer you some sparkling water or champagne. If you go for the water, theyâ€™re going to know youâ€™re an amateur. Throw back as many glasses of champagne as you can in front of the receptionist so they know youâ€™re there to party.
After that, theyâ€™re going to take you to a dressing room where you change into a robe for the remainder of the day. Once again, this is purely childâ€™s play.
The reason they encourage you to drink all that champagne beforehand is so youâ€™re confident enough to not need the robe. American spas are really trying to transition more toward the European way â€“â€“ so just strip naked and waltz your way down to that massage table. Theyâ€™ll be really impressed with how â€œnew ageâ€ you are.
Now your masseuse is going to ask you how much pressure you like. This is one department where you can absolutely not back down, no matter how much agony youâ€™re in. Just suck it up.
The next step is to start moaning in a really breathy, sexual way during the massage. Clearly, thatâ€™s the only way your masseuse will know that he/she is doing a good job.
It also means that you donâ€™t have to tip them as much when you leave, because clearly everyone was having a good time in that room.
Now if the boss-man refuses to let you have your mental health day to regain your Zen/go to that Celine Dion concert you won tickets for on the radio while at work, then here are a few last ditch effort excuses to try:
â€œMy dog just got hit by a car.â€
â€œYour dog just got hit by a car.â€
â€œYour grandmother just got hit by a car.â€
â€œIn the bible it says that God rested. If you donâ€™t let me rest too that means youâ€™re going to hell.â€
â€œYour secretary put a bomb in your office and itâ€™s about to go off.â€
â€œYour wife wants me to go to Bermuda with her for the weekend.â€
â€œThe District Attorney just called and I have to go testify at the station right awayâ€¦something about prostitutes on the executive credit card.â€
Chances are, one of these is bound to work, and youâ€™ll be out of there (possibly forever) in no time.
But if none of the above seem to do the trick, then just start puking. On the walls, on the floor, on your neighbor and on your bossâ€™s desk pictures of his kids in their T-ball uniforms. I mean, thereâ€™s a good possibility that theyâ€™ll think youâ€™re pregnant (damn morning sickness) or hung-over, but youâ€™ll definitely get to go home.
The important thing to remember is that relaxation is the key to overall health and success. So when youâ€™re stressed out, sometimes you just gotta take a breather. As they say in â€œZoolander, â€œRelax! Just do it!,â€ but donâ€™t kill any prime ministers along the way.
Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet againâ€¦Cheers!
Morgan Mayo is a junior natural resources major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at email@example.com.