On Wednesday, a phone conversation with a certain best friend sounded something like this:
â€œIâ€™m thinking of breaking things off with him. I just donâ€™t feel a connection and weâ€™re too different.
Plus, he spends all his time fishing and I have to force him to do me! We just donâ€™t have the right chemistry.â€
On Friday, a phone conversation with the same friend sounded something like this:
â€œHe broke up with me! He is such a jerk! I felt a real connection with him. And I just loved that he had his own passions. How do you fake such good chemistry? He was just using me for sex the whole time!â€
The scary thing is, in the female brain, both of these conversations make perfect sense.
Gentlemen, Iâ€™d like to welcome you to the Twilight Zone, where everything a woman says to you means exactly the opposite, until it doesnâ€™tâ€¦
Now, from a male perspective you may be thinking: â€œHow on Earth am I going to master a language more complex than Clingon when I can barely manage a caveman affirmative grunt?â€
But before you throw up your hands and shout, â€œBeam me up, Scotty!â€ just know that it isnâ€™t quite as difficult as it seems.
Communicating with women, especially a woman youâ€™re in a relationship with, is basically like walking around an insane asylum.
If Hannibal Lector told you that heâ€™s never eaten a human and will gladly tell you where to find the next serial killer if you just come inside for a wee chat, would you do it? No!
Now if your girlfriend asks you if you would rather spend a quiet night at home with her or go out drinking with the guys, do you think itâ€™s wise to say, â€œDrinking with the guys,â€ even if thatâ€™s how you really feel?
No! Hannibal Lector just ate your face.
Women are egotistical creatures. We want to think that we are the center of your attention and thoughts all the time, even though deep down we know that we will always come second to beer/snowboarding/setting things on fire.
So what do you do if you would rather sit at home and jack off to â€œFIFAâ€ instead of going to her grandmotherâ€™s 80th birthday party?
â€œBaby, Iâ€™d love to go and drink non-alcoholic punch with a bunch of old people but I: A) need to get tickets to that ballet youâ€™ve been wanting to see, B) finally tell my parents about you after two years or C) buy you a puppy.â€
All these responses stroke her ego and guarantee that youâ€™re gonna get some. So everybody wins.
Now often when Iâ€™m walking around campus, I hear male to female conversations that are somewhat like watching people audition for â€œAmerican Idolâ€ with a freakinâ€™ Disney song. You just canâ€™t look away from the bomb thatâ€™s about to blow the guyâ€™s head off. So here are a few choice phrases to avoid that Iâ€™ve actually heard men use:
â€œWhy do you always blow everything out of proportion?â€ (Tick)
â€œI know we made plans, but Tyler just got a new beer pong table.â€ (Tick)
â€œI was drunk. Why does it matter if I called your best friend hot?â€ (Tick)
â€œI swear I didnâ€™t have that rash before I started getting with youâ€ (Kaboom!)
The bomb of female fury just blew your testicles off.
Now all of you just need to clean it up so I donâ€™t have to listen to your girlfriendsâ€™ crying in the bathroom when Iâ€™m trying to pee. Itâ€™s annoying.
Now what if youâ€™re a guy that isnâ€™t lucky/stupid enough to be in an actual relationship?
Then Iâ€™m guessing trying to pick up chicks at sleazy dive bars is more your game. In that case, you want to avoid the lying and be as direct as possible.
Girls are used to the whole, â€œbuy you a drank,â€ and then letâ€™s dance around the fact that we both want to bone each otherâ€™s brains out approach. So here are a few conventional lines with a little twist that will definitely catch her by surprise.
â€œAre you from Tennessee? Because I want to rub your nipples.â€
â€œDid it hurt when you fell from heaven? Iâ€™m about to grope you.â€
â€œI donâ€™t have a library card but Iâ€™m gonna check you outâ€¦and touch you with my man junk.â€
And there you go! Using any of these lines will guarantee that you are not leaving the bar alone, mister. Just remember, directness is the key.
So congratulations! After reading this article you can successfully speak woman/crazy.
But wait, if Iâ€™m a woman and I wrote the article, does that mean you can believe a single word Iâ€™ve said?
Iâ€™ll leave you to ponder that one.
Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet again…Cheers!
Morgan Mayo is a junior natural resources major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.