Oct 182011
Authors: Morgan Mayo

On Wednesday, a phone conversation with a certain best friend sounded something like this:

“I’m thinking of breaking things off with him. I just don’t feel a connection and we’re too different.
Plus, he spends all his time fishing and I have to force him to do me! We just don’t have the right chemistry.”

On Friday, a phone conversation with the same friend sounded something like this:

“He broke up with me! He is such a jerk! I felt a real connection with him. And I just loved that he had his own passions. How do you fake such good chemistry? He was just using me for sex the whole time!”

The scary thing is, in the female brain, both of these conversations make perfect sense.

Gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you to the Twilight Zone, where everything a woman says to you means exactly the opposite, until it doesn’t…

Now, from a male perspective you may be thinking: “How on Earth am I going to master a language more complex than Clingon when I can barely manage a caveman affirmative grunt?”

But before you throw up your hands and shout, “Beam me up, Scotty!” just know that it isn’t quite as difficult as it seems.

Communicating with women, especially a woman you’re in a relationship with, is basically like walking around an insane asylum.

If Hannibal Lector told you that he’s never eaten a human and will gladly tell you where to find the next serial killer if you just come inside for a wee chat, would you do it? No!

Now if your girlfriend asks you if you would rather spend a quiet night at home with her or go out drinking with the guys, do you think it’s wise to say, “Drinking with the guys,” even if that’s how you really feel?

No! Hannibal Lector just ate your face.

Women are egotistical creatures. We want to think that we are the center of your attention and thoughts all the time, even though deep down we know that we will always come second to beer/snowboarding/setting things on fire.

So what do you do if you would rather sit at home and jack off to “FIFA” instead of going to her grandmother’s 80th birthday party?

You lie.

“Baby, I’d love to go and drink non-alcoholic punch with a bunch of old people but I: A) need to get tickets to that ballet you’ve been wanting to see, B) finally tell my parents about you after two years or C) buy you a puppy.”

All these responses stroke her ego and guarantee that you’re gonna get some. So everybody wins.

Now often when I’m walking around campus, I hear male to female conversations that are somewhat like watching people audition for “American Idol” with a freakin’ Disney song. You just can’t look away from the bomb that’s about to blow the guy’s head off. So here are a few choice phrases to avoid that I’ve actually heard men use:

“Why do you always blow everything out of proportion?” (Tick)

“I know we made plans, but Tyler just got a new beer pong table.” (Tick)

“I was drunk. Why does it matter if I called your best friend hot?” (Tick)

“I swear I didn’t have that rash before I started getting with you” (Kaboom!)

The bomb of female fury just blew your testicles off.

Now all of you just need to clean it up so I don’t have to listen to your girlfriends’ crying in the bathroom when I’m trying to pee. It’s annoying.

Now what if you’re a guy that isn’t lucky/stupid enough to be in an actual relationship?

Then I’m guessing trying to pick up chicks at sleazy dive bars is more your game. In that case, you want to avoid the lying and be as direct as possible.

Girls are used to the whole, “buy you a drank,” and then let’s dance around the fact that we both want to bone each other’s brains out approach. So here are a few conventional lines with a little twist that will definitely catch her by surprise.

“Are you from Tennessee? Because I want to rub your nipples.”

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? I’m about to grope you.”

“I don’t have a library card but I’m gonna check you out…and touch you with my man junk.”

And there you go! Using any of these lines will guarantee that you are not leaving the bar alone, mister. Just remember, directness is the key.

So congratulations! After reading this article you can successfully speak woman/crazy.

But wait, if I’m a woman and I wrote the article, does that mean you can believe a single word I’ve said?

I’ll leave you to ponder that one.

Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet again…Cheers!

Morgan Mayo is a junior natural resources major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 4:27 pm

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