Oct 112011
Authors: Morgan Mayo

Somewhere near the dawn of time, a group of cavemen huddle around a fire after a long hunt.

The meat is roasting, shadows are dancing. One caveman stands up and begins to act out the hunt with noises that sound something like:

“Ugh gah ugh ugh”

The other cavemen laugh.

In the corner the women sew animal skins together and roll their eyes. One looks to the other and says, “I really wish Harry would hurry up and evolve already so we could sit down and discuss our feelings.”

A couple eons later, it seems like not much has changed.

If you’re a woman and you pay attention, you’ll slowly begin to learn that certain masculine grunts correspond with certain words, and somehow they make an actual sentence.

For example, three positive male affirmations include:

“Mmm grunt…beer”

“Mmm grunt…boobies”

“Mmm grunt…GOAAALL”

All of these male utterances can be heard on a regular basis at pretty much any bar in Fort Collins. Basically it means they like these things and they want them to keep happening.

Now, if you’re not quite at a point where you can understand your man’s grunts and inaudible mutterings, it can make navigating sexual needs and desires a bit iffy. And while the answer to a question like, “Do me over the kitchen table?” as you’re standing there in your sexiest lingerie, kinda seems like a “no duh” answer, you can still get shut down.

So if he is:

* Watching the World Cup

  • Playing any sort of sport, zombie or racing video game
  • Watching any form of “super gnarly brah” paddle, climbing or ski video on youtube (AKA porn)

You might just receive a response that sounds something like: “Uhh…well…can you, can you move…I’m trying to see…Oh Man! Look at that (sweet goal, badass zombie, wicked surf spot)!”

Now the female tendency, after getting rejected, is to pout and slam the door. But here’s the clutcher, ladies. After you huff out, he is not going to rush after you or feel bad. He will probably not even be aware that you’re mad or that you were wearing lingerie in the first place.

He’s stuck deep in man world. So you have to be sneaky to get him out. The key is to appeal to the primal side of his lizard brain.

So here are your options: feign an interest in sports until you can pull your boobs out during half-time (Janet Jackson style), talk about how hot girls are on commercials/Youtube until he imagines you making out with one, or dress up like a zombie wench and ask him to slay you with his gigantic sword.

Boom. Sexy time. You are welcome.

Now, sometimes the opposite is true, where you can’t tell if he is trying to hook up with you. In my personal experience, guys tend to have five go-to’s when they’re trying to get it on.

The strategic bed/couch move during which you get up to go to the bathroom and you come back and he’s suddenly lying in your bed.

You get in the bed with him , then he’ll move on to the slow leg rub while brushing hair out of your face so you can see that seductive expression he’s wearing just for you.

If you’re okay with that, then he sees it as an all forward to putting his mouth on your face. It generally goes: lips, ears, neck, boobs.

Now if you let him put his mouth on your boobs, he probably figures you’re easy and is going to move further south.

Either way, as a last-ditch effort, he will proceed into the oh-so-familiar ninth grade dry hump. Dry hump back and you’ve got yourself a love connection.

Boom! Sexy time again. You are welcome. (If he’s drunk, skip steps 2-5 and go immediately to Boom!)

The most important thing to remember is to not get frustrated. Men and women are just different creatures with different needs. But if you can learn to speak man without breaking down and shouting, “USE YOUR WORDS,” then you’ve learned to play their game.

Grunt along to his conversations about sports and make him want you like a cavewoman. Or, gasp and sob, “But I love you…” after a drunken hook-up and get rid of him for good. Both are tried and true methods.

And to all you guys who have stuck with me and seen this article to the end … don’t worry. “How to communicate with women” is well on its way.

Awkward times are ahead, my friends. But until we meet again…Cheers!

Morgan Mayo is a junior natural resources major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:37 pm

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