Sep 292011
Authors: Adam Suriel-Gestwicki

I see a lot of students in relationships that look like they’re on the edge of going crazy, due to the stress that’s put on them by their spouse, school and all the other crap that’s needed in order to survive this life.

But, if you do feel you’re going crazy –– or having trouble remembering who you are ­­–– don’t count on your significant other staying with you long afterwards.

Pat Robertson, former Republican presidential candidate, announced to his viewers on “Club 700” that it’s OK to divorce your spouse if they are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Now, Patty stated this on the Christian Broadcasting Network, which correct me if I’m wrong, holds a fairly intolerable stance on divorce (calling remarriage “adultery” after divorce), and pushes strongly on “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part.”

I’m not religious, and if you are, I applaud you for believing in something. I’m just too lazy to believe in anything religious, and if I did, too passive to push my lazy fundamentals onto potential followers of my gospel. I would say: if you believe something, follow it (simple as that). Pat, being the politician he is, spun his words into a nice package we could all receive, and said Alzheimer’s, “Is a kind of death.”

So if you’re sick of caring for the person you love, and actually believe Pat, hope they go crazy. That way, you can get out of your relationship guilt free, and with your morals intact.

Now we have a long time till we get old and crazy to the point where we try to get in the dryer to go the grocery store. Or if we do remember what a car looks like, we’ll be revered for our incapability to drive faster than 25 mph, without recklessly endangering everyone else on the road.

Just make sure whenever you get married you both vow to stay with each other in sickness and in health, sane or insane, till death do you part. Or else the second you need your spouse to tell you who you are, and who they are, they may tell you, “Pat said it’s cool.”

Now I’m not trying to say that dealing with this disease is easy, because I have no doubt in my mind it’s probably as hard as tackling a bear (unless it’s Jay Cutler).

If you’re really worried that the wrath of Pat’s words may cause you to be crazy by yourself later in life, let me reassure you that most spouses don’t leave their significant other when they have Alzheimer’s –– unless they think you’re dead.

Luckily, there is a way to escape what could be one of our futures –– there are plenty of ways to promote a healthy brain.

After searching through the Internet for a while, I came across a couple of helpful and simple ways for us all not to go crazy in the future.

For instance, having a social life helps the brain. So for those of you in college who believe your dog is your only friend, and reality television is a fine substitute for reality, you’re probably destined for a later life of desolate dementia, as well as pretty boring college life.

Another thing that helps: eating healthy, oddly enough, and not going to McDonalds, or Fat Shack after a night in Old Town. Push those munchie cravings down, and eat a stick of celery or something green.

Also exercising and promoting a healthy physique, rather than just lounging on your couch and talking with your dog about how good your Burger King was, and asking him why Ron is still with Jenni because Jenni sucks, is not a good way to spend your time.

The one thing that may be universal to everyone reading this piece of insightful gold is learning how to manage your stress. If you’re stressed, grab a beer, throw a football, and go on campus and people watch. Or take a nap, since a number of us are sleep deprived.

If after this random rant of mine you feel slightly fearful of your future because you love bad food, hate any sort of physical activity, your reflection coming from the toaster is your best friend, and you agree with what Pat says…can you not see that the equation of all those things is setting you up to be the victim of this punch line?

_Adam Suriel-Gestwicki is a junior English major. His column appears every other Friday in the Collegian. He can be reached at _

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