This coming weekend my wife Jessica and I will put our marriage to the ultimate test â€“â€“ we will attend a same-sex wedding. Weâ€™ve prepared our union for this upcoming trial of its sanctity by doing whatever it is that non-gay couples do that makes us so special.
Just to be safe, weâ€™ve also studied up on literature that warns of potential fallout heterosexual couples might face after exposure to a same-sex wedding.
First of all, we have both sworn that after we get back from the wedding, we will resist the urge to become polygamists. Apparently this is a serious threat somehow brought on by same-sex marriage; so, weâ€™ll keep an eye out for it.
We also have been instructed by our family to lookout for any signs that we are attracted to them â€“â€“ according to the literature weâ€™ve been studying, it seems incest is only a short slip down the slope that same-sex marriage sits precariously perched on. Our dog was given a similar warning.
Another peril we will try to avoid is being recruited. As of right now, Jessica and I are both attracted to members of the opposite sex (especially each other), and if we can resist the relentless recruitment we are sure to face over the weekend, we intend to keep it this way.
After reading a Family Research Council pamphlet, we are also pretty worried that the weekendâ€™s festivities might lead us to decide our own marriage is meaningless â€“â€“ leading to rampant cheating on one another. To prevent this, weâ€™ve shared Internet passwords, blocked websites like Match and AshleyMadison.com and preemptively alerted the television show â€œCheatersâ€ to start surveillance on both of us.
Fortunately, we donâ€™t have kids yet. Because if we did, surely we would have to explain to them where we are going this weekend â€“â€“ which would certainly require teaching them what a same-sex couple is. And that would be terrible.
I mean seriously, how do you even explain such a thing to your children? Well kids, there are two people who love each other and want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, just like mommy and daddy except, gasp, they are both girls (or boys).
Man, that would be rough. I donâ€™t know about you, but I donâ€™t want my kids knowing about anything I donâ€™t understand or agree with.
Of course, if the literature weâ€™ve been reading is correct, weâ€™ll be lucky to have kids at all if same-sex couples are allowed to marry.
Thatâ€™s right, according to the FRC, same-sex marriage leads to lower birth rates. So, naturally, before our close proximity to a same-sex wedding, both Jessica and I had our reproductive materials frozen and safely stored in labs â€“â€“ just in case we are unable or unwilling to reproduce after the wedding.
Having taken all of the above preparations, we are pretty confident we have the tools weâ€™ll need to keep our marriage together, even in the face of this weekendâ€™s wedding. If you and your significant other plan on attending a same-sex wedding anytime in the future, feel free to use and/or adapt our survival guide to ensure your own safe passage.
OK, as you should have already guessed, I am not being serious. The sad thing though, is that the hateful and misguided groups who provided the ammunition for my satire were entirely serious.
The FRC is really worried that same-sex marriage will lead to polygamy, incest, bestiality, infidelity, lower marriage and birth rates.
And honestly, isnâ€™t that just a little crazy? This weekend my wife and I will attend a wedding. One of Jessicaâ€™s oldest friends is getting married, and she happens to be marrying another woman. And I canâ€™t help but wonder â€“â€“â€“ Whatâ€™s it to you?
Jesse Benn is a senior political science major who would like to wish his mom a very happy birthday today. His column appears Thursdays in the Collegian. He can be reached at email@example.com.