Sep 212011
Authors: Courtney Riley

As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago, I discussed one type of man every girl has in her life –– the loyal moon who orbits around her, just barely inside her atmosphere.

My focus this week is the satellite: the guy she has genuine feelings for, but doesn’t want a relationship with.

The satellite orbits the planet and is encouraged to land frequently. But he’s never going to permanently stay.

She has genuine feelings for the satellite, but at the same time, she likes having her options open. When we’re all living in the midst of one big party, there’s no reason to be completely tied down to a satellite.

The best thing about the satellite is that he knows exactly what his role is, and he likes it. He doesn’t want to set up camp on her surface any more than she wants him to.

Both the planet and the satellite can control the satellite’s orbit. If the planet wants him further away, she can alter his orbit, and vice versa. Both parties hold the power in this situation.

It’s a win-win for everyone. There are no strings attached, and the only objective is to have fun.
But I must warn you: the satellite can’t stay forever.

Every fling has an expiration date. It either dies or moves to the next level. No matter what you think at the time, a carefree, nonexclusive fling has a limited lifespan.

At some point, either the planet or the satellite wants something more out of the situation.

The magic of the fling is broken when the orbiting pattern of the satellite is no longer agreed upon.

This stage is always tricky. No one wants to actually discuss the situation because once you have that conversation, the fun of the fling is over. It can be hard to tell what your satellite actually wants his orbiting pattern to be.

It’s all fun and games until you’re at a house party and your satellite runs to the basement and locks himself in a room because you don’t want to be his girlfriend.

Then the planet is forced to have the dreaded discussion of the fate of the satellite.

“Can’t everything just be fun and noncommittal?” she asks herself. Well no, when your fling goes on for months, apparently it can’t.

Eventually, the satellite has to spin off into another planet’s atmosphere, release his anger and return as a spaceship: the guy friend who has no romantic or intimate relations with the planet who comes and goes as he pleases, without rustling up any dust or denting the surface.

Or he can attempt to crash into the planet. But let’s be real. The chance of a satellite becoming an asteroid, the third type of man who will be discussed in a later column, is very slim. If he was ever going to be an asteroid, he would have pulled that move in the very beginning.

And when one of you starts questioning exclusiveness, you know your situation has officially become complicated.

Neither party has ever established any rules. A fling is a grey-area situation, which is why it’s both perfect, yet dangerous.

It’s implied that no other objects are in the planet’s atmosphere, but there’s no set rule saying there can’t be, hence the beauty and the downfall of the satellite situation.

All hell breaks loose when the planet lets another object come flying into her atmosphere, and the satellite realizes he’s not the sole orbiter of the planet.

All of a sudden, she has unintentionally dented and broken her satellite, and it can no longer function in her atmosphere.

So the best way to handle the satellite in your atmosphere is to maintain communication. No one wants to ruin the fun of a fling by having a serious discussion of what’s actually going on. But if you don’t, either you or your satellite is going to be damaged.

Entertainment editor Courtney Riley can be reached at

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