Sep 062011
 
Authors: Morgan Mayo

“Breaking up is hard to do.”
But in reality, it’s quite easy. Just make sure you get your significant other to buy you lots of expensive presents in the weeks leading up to it, so you can pawn them afterwards. I mean come on, your parents aren’t going to support your drug habit forever.
The second most important thing is to make sure that you say the right things during the break-up conversation. I learned this past weekend that honesty isn’t always the best policy.
For example, if he says: “But I felt an instant connection to you when we met! Didn’t that mean anything to you?”
You probably shouldn’t respond with: “Well I just so happened to jump in that abandoned train car filled with corn on a dare. I thought you were a homeless man.”
Inevitably he will say: “But what about when I sang you love songs in the rain? When you kissed me under the stars in the hammock?”
Try to avoid a response like: “Was that you? I swear you look just like your brother in the moonlight.”
And if at all possible, have the break up talk face-to-face. It’s just more sensitive and there is really nothing like the swollen, puffy, splotchy face of an ex-lover to make you laugh on a bad day.
After all the bitter words and crying, many people are tempted to resort to alcohol, ice cream and World of Warcraft. But, as a natural resource tourism major, we’re taught to avoid detrimental behaviors by retreating to nature.
In Fort Collins, we are lucky enough to be on the doorstep of the wild. Head to Poudre Canyon and revel in the rocky cliffs, bending rivers and red mountains against a pale sky. The seasons are changing, just like your relationship status on Facebook. It’s all very metaphorical.
This weekend I took to the river in my kayak in search of solitude, resolution and a rebound. The sun was out, the water moccasins were jumping; it was the perfect day to get reeled back in by a lonely fisherman.
For those of you who haven’t made this discovery yet, the river is a fantastic place to get laid. They are riddled with moody fishermen, extreme kayakers and scantily clad raft guides.
River people tend to be wild and passionate, with bodies like Titans.  They love PBR, hammocks and saving people from drowning.
So hop in the river and float on down a Class IV rapid without a personal flotation device. You’ll be guaranteed a broken arm and a mouth-to-mouth you’ll never forget.
Lying about your whitewater experience is also a great way to get a date in Fort Collins. The kayakers and raft guides are easy to spot. Just sit down by a Chaco wearing, Nalgene toting, longhaired hippie with a tan and you’ve managed to land yourself a solid Class III-IV boater at least.
When you start talking to him, make sure you build yourself up to sound as cool as possible. Boaters can only understand certain words when you speak to them, so learn your key vocabulary and you don’t even have to talk about kayaking.
For example: “Hey brah! So I was driving my Subaru the other day and I totally boofed this storm drain. I tried to pull over into this eddy but I got sucked into this huge hole. I totally hit this old lady afterwards but I pulled the sickest bow stall ever. I ferried into the traffic and had to kickflip just to get past this truck. The whole scene was so Mcnasty. Mad gnar brah. Mad gnar.”
And you’re in. By the end of class you are guaranteed to be invited out for some Class IV-V fun. Don’t worry. Even though you don’t really know how to kayak; it’s super easy to fake. Just look at the scariest part of the river and paddle straight towards it. That’s how they’ll know you’re for real.
But if all of this breaking up and making up exasperates you and you really can’t be bothered, you’re in good company. I’ve been told many times by previous lovers that I am severely lacking the “serious relationship gene.”
It generally starts with, “No I will not share the covers!” which always ends in the thought: Why would anyone want to?
Since I was a child, I have always been a dreamer and an adventurer. Marriage was never in my vocabulary. And that’s perfectly all right. Just remember that no matter what you want from relationships, you have to make your own plans. Be the hero in your own story; or you’re just going to end up as a sidekick in someone else’s.
Awkward times are ahead my friends. But until we meet again…Cheers!

Morgan Mayo is a junior natural resources major. Her column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. She can be reached at letters@collegian.com.   

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