Aug 232011
Authors: Adam Suriel-Gestwicki

As an upper-classman in college, I have long since seen the constructs that facilitated my social life in high school. I watched each year go by and my freedom flourish, allowing me to develop and see things far beyond my comfort zone and accept them for what they are.

Yet after a week of the daily grind, which consists of both going to school and working, I am left baffled when I sit down for a drink at the bar, and there before me is a large, overly muscled man wearing a sparkled tight shirt with the words “BRUTAL” written across his chest. It’s as though the adjective this word implies counteracts the Tinker Bell snot that glimmers from the dim lights of the local tavern.

While I don’t consider myself a man of great fashion insight, a flicker of panic that I may laugh too loudly and have my head crushed into a peanut by the sight of someone who thinks the Sparkly Muscle Shirt is an acceptable way to go out into public has arisen conflict to my nights out in Old Town.

These shirts have recently made an increased appearance to the late night social scene, and that leaves me bewildered and often dumbfounded as they pass by.

The Sparkly Muscle Shirt is an obvious, abrupt and disruptive way to gain the attention of whomever one may be trying to gain a fancy over. There may also be a large correlation to the Guido movement that has been televised on MTV and the other programs of similar interest.

Those who find their identity by defining and mimicking the actions of fictitious characters, or in this case, reality celebrities who are told how to act or what role they’re supposed to be playing on the show they are on, don’t seem to have the critical thinking that should be tied to the college atmosphere.

But perhaps I am being too harsh here, and there is a more legitimate reason that more of these shirts have popped into the late night stew of Old Town.

Fort Collins is known to have fitness and physical well being on its mind in any aspect (unless you’re employed at the McDonald’s on Elizabeth). While that doesn’t seem like a problem, which I’m not here to infer that it is, sometimes the motives of physical fitness are not for a person’s well being at all.

The last couple of times I went to the gym, my eyes lingered every now and then on other people working out. I noticed a recurring pattern exhibited in most guys, in which they would finish a set of reps and then look at themselves in the mirror.

While I found myself looking at the girls at the gym and often getting distracted from my workout, I later began wondering if I wasn’t supposed to be looking at myself instead like the rest of the guys.

I was later found in a similar predicament when washing my hands in the men’s room at a local bar when I realized the guy next to me was checking himself out in his wild and vibrant shirt.

I only worry because I am afraid of what the constructs of reality may turn into if every night out on the town is filled to the brim with “bros” looking for “hoes” to “smush,” thereby proving the Sparkly Muscle Shirt as acceptable, because it works for someone within this fair city.

This could lead many fruitless in attracting the opposite sex if they’re found in neutral or lightly toned apparel on their night out on the town.

I only bring this to the reader’s attention before this fashion trend becomes an epidemic that spreads beyond the confines of a person’s shirt and creates a new system of social norms. Ergo, when looking beyond the Sparkly Muscle Shirt, the thoughts that no doubt led to this cultural phenomena have not been fully tested of their potency and should be before it’s too late.

If one can be fooled by bright colors and catch phrases that remind me of the simple “Ooh” and “Ahh” sounding vowels that are produced by an orangutan or large primate, this could lead to a state of de-evolution, where the end result can only consist of human beings reverting back to a more primal state, rather than continuing to flourish and thrive as the dominant species.

The Sparkly Muscle Shirt, and those who adhere to the principles that it has been birthed from, threaten our way of life as well as the continuity of the species.

One more thing: anyone else find it odd that no one from “Jersey Shore” made a cameo in “Rise of Planet of The Apes”? I do.

Adam Suriel-Gestwicki is a junior journalism major. Letters and feedback can be sent to

 Posted by at 5:18 pm

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