Aug 232011
Authors: Lydia Jorden

Free condoms? Hartshorn Health Center. STD testing? Planned parenthood. Having this all in your backyard and not realizing it until it’s too late? Priceless.

It has only been three days into the semester, and I am already puking green and gold from all the school spirit advertised to the incoming students and impressionable parents. RamWelcome creates a facade of CSU and conceals important information that must be too taboo to reveal during the event.

For those who experienced the luxury of attending preview, I give you permission to act on your fantasy of dropkicking a small child. Thoughts of similar activities consumed me while participating in various welcome activities.

I know you don’t give two shoots about the exact statistics regarding the number of drinks students consume at parties or how “proud (you are) to be a CSU ram” so why does CSU go to such trouble to include this information?

Sure, after preview I did feel a sense of community — but it wasn’t long before I made completely new friends in my dorm hall and never came in contact with the people I met during orientation.
Creating a facade of an experience at CSU when it is far from reality is quite a disservice to students.

I would appreciate less pounding on my door demanding a game of zip-zap-zop and more independence. Provide resources for students that are applicable to situations that may actually arise on campus, and they will appreciate orientation. This does not simply mean giving students the phone number to RamRide — which, by the way, is (970-491-3333) — but also means providing resources for multiple situations.

Most importantly, new students need help finding sexual health resources, finagling their way into a private party and knowing which locations to avoid.

Planned Parenthood is a great resource for all of your parenting, or lack thereof, parenting needs.

Follow the yellow-brick-road onto the corner of Elizabeth and Shields, and shuffle your way through the pro-life picketers to discovery peace of mind. In this emerald city of contraceptives you can access multiple resources that range from condoms, to HIV testing, to men’s health and everything in-between.

You really are the fortunate student, picking up the _Collegian _today. All those non-readers will desperately need to rush to buy Plan-B while you now have the knowledge and convenient directions to take care of yourself.

Since I’m betting you didn’t go to Planned Parenthood for the free informational brochures, before your wild night, it must have been pretty rough.

It’s Friday night. You walk into a house party and flock to the walls like you’re at a middle school dance. With my psychic powers I predict that numerous students will find their way into and shown out of a party within one minute. We’ve all made a rookie mistake of being a wallflower.

Don’t walk in unsure of yourself or nervous. The Collegian Content Managing Editor, Allison Sylte, has a favorite “walk-into-party-tactic” that would benefit many substandard partiers.

“Hey, John!” Ali yells as she walks through the doors of the house while skillfully grabbing an ice-cold beer. Despite being as nimble as a bear, Ali always successfully completes her mission. People think she belongs there because she clearly has friends that are just across the room.

Though, do make sure you create a reputation for yourself so future crashes are stress-free. This means no puking on the carpet and absolutely no dumps in the only toilet at the house.

If you are a victim of the above reputation killers, I suggest finding a new place to party. Old Town, the Book Ranch and Walmart are prime locations to gather and mingle if you’re ready for fun.

However, stay away from Old Town when you hear the “whomp whomp” of a dubstep concert.
This is a night ruined.

Deny it all you want, but these factoids from my thoughts were what you really sought to learn during orientation. Not like anything mentioned to you at preview, eh? The continuous preaching of irrelevant information fills students’ first few days at CSU with mindless garbage that is completely irrelevant for the rest of the four years they are at CSU.

CSU should work on implementing a new type of orientation. This type of welcome will benefit students throughout their years at CSU. College is about making connections and learning by making mistakes—not preventing them.

Skip that class photo at 7 a.m. and make a decision to actually do something that will benefit you for the rest of your years at CSU.

Lydia Jorden is a junior business major and will accept any form of compensation for her MasterCard themed lead. Letters and feedback can be reached at

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