Apr 032011
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Today is the day you become an adult. This may come as a shock to some of you, who are no longer eating your parents cooking, as you already thought you were an adult. But it turns out there is more to being an adult than eating food who someone other than your mother prepared –– and I’ve made a checklist, because using checklists is something adults do.

The first step to being an adult is already done –– congratulations! Now you must continue to use lists in every aspect of your life from now until you die (put that at the bottom of your list and put it off for as long as possible). You’ll need a grocery list, a chore list, a list of life objectives, a list of fun activities and an index to list your lists.

Adults, as it turns out, are never disorganized. Or at least, it will appear that way as more and more responsibilities come your way and you find yourself overworked, under-appreciated, and seeming to be the only one struggling to pull it all together. But cheer up, it really is only you. Everyone else has master organizational skills and are breezing through life with nary a care.

Real adults are also forward-thinking. Remember how you wasted last night in a combination of Facebook-stalking and trying to stack dimes to form cool little buildings? Real adults don’t spend time like that. They are either at the gym, picking up dry cleaning or working late hours to get ahead.

It can be hard cutting out all fun –– hence, the pointless activities from your life, –– but just remember the tale of Ebeneezer Scrooge. He worked his whole life to get ahead, become rich, and he succeeded. In the end, he was so privileged that he contracted out his guilt to three spectral social workers, and died happy and still incredibly wealthy. Rich people always receive pity and treatment for things that get poor people locked away forever.

There are a lot of morals in there, screaming, and it’s important to take away all the right lessons. That’s another thing adults are –– always moral.

All your life you were given moral instruction by parents, teachers and community leaders. Lessons about honor, respect, and why coke cannot replace milk in cereal were repeatedly handed down. And you repaid them by blaming the dog for vomiting Fruit Loops all over the carpet.

Adults are avidly moral. But you may be starting to come under the delusion that morality is subjective, and that being moral comes with the burden of heavy thought. This is not the case, and it’s one of the few blessings that comes with being an adult. All you have to do is pick a life philosophy and ascribe to it, and all manners of problems sort themselves out.

This isn’t just about religion, politics, or a favorite sports team. It’s about all of these things. Adults all have one of each, and they come with all the answers you’ll ever need. The best way to do this is to examine your friends and family and believe whatever they do, on all fronts, so as to do what adults do best –– fit in.

Fitting in is the most adult-like thing of all. You may remember, that as a child there was your parents and then every other adult. Every other adult blended together into one shapeless mass, occasionally taking the shape of a teacher or parole officer. They had a job that they spent most of their time at, and didn’t know anything about modern trends.
Adults are also confident, self-assured, and don’t stay up at night worrying about anything less than foreclosure. They aren’t just pretending to be adults while struggling to figure out a complicated world, fearing the consequences of both taking life too seriously and too frivolously. They know exactly what they are doing.


Johnathan Kastner is in his second year of his second bachelor degree, majoring in computer science. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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