Pidgeons!

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Benjamin Gowen
 Posted by at 3:34 pm

Undeclared

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Ian Cox
 Posted by at 3:34 pm

Scubbles

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Derrick Burton
 Posted by at 3:33 pm

The Shallows

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Dave Anderson
 Posted by at 3:33 pm

Letter to the Editor

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Letters to the editor

Dear editor,

Under the alias Registered Independent, I spend all day, everyday looking at the Collegian’s website, commenting here and there and must say: I love it! The editorial staff and writers make every day a sunny one.

For starters, Mr. Bowman is simply a fine-looking young man with beautiful rhetorical skills. He brings a smile to my face while I sit at my computer drinking my morning, mid-morning, noontime, afternoon, late-afternoon, early-evening, dinner-time, after-dinner, night-time, late-night, midnight and early-
morning coffee.

As a professional comment troll –– and I DO know what I’m talking about here –– I have never come across such elegant, exquisite prose.

Although my frequent commentary may indicate otherwise, I have the utmost respect for the Editorial Board’s Our View opinions. The reasoning behind each and every one is simply unassailable. But, just like the black bear can’t resist the thought of stirring up a honey-filled beehive, I can’t resist the smell of controversy waiting to be stirred up.

On the news side, I’m frequently awestruck by the quality, hardnosed reporting and clear effort individuals like Jordyn Dahl put into each and every story.

I know that the future is bright for these amazing, young, good-looking, productive students. I thank God each and every day that they’re able to provide me a forum on which to share my opinion because nothing makes me feel warmer or fuzzier inside.

Keep up the good work, folks.

Registered Independent is a frequent contributor to the Collegian’s online comment boards. The Editorial Board wishes her a happy April Fools Day.

 Posted by at 3:28 pm

Leaving behind my agricultural roots

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Robyn Scherer

Let’s face it: Being in agriculture is hard. You have long days, you get dirty and you don’t get a steady paycheck. That’s why I’ve decided to give up my agricultural lifestyle, move to Boulder and become a hippie. I realize I will be a very stereotypical hippie,
but that’s kind of the point.

Life is going to be so much easier. Instead of getting up at 6 a.m. to check and feed my animals, I can sleep in and not get up until noon or later. At that time I can choose whether or not to take a shower, because I won’t actually have anything to get done, except hope for world peace.

Instead of pulling on my Cruel Girl jeans and a button up shirt, I’m going to grab those bell-bottom pants and a brightly colored shirt. Instead of throwing on my cowboy boots, I’ll grab a pair of flip-flops, or maybe just go barefoot. I am going to miss my sparkly belts though. I guess I’ll just have to rock the peace sign necklaces instead.

I’m also going to dread out my hair, although that may be challenging. I’m pretty sure if I do the whole don’t shower thing it will get there eventually. I guess I’ll have to trade in my Stetson for a good ol’ headband as well.

When I do finally make it out of the house, the first thing I’ll do is trade in my current vehicle for a Volkswagen van and immediately decorate it in as many random colors as I can find. In fact, I think I’ll retrofit the inside to be a small house, so I can travel around whenever I feel like it.

If I can’t find a van, I’ll resort to hitchhiking. There’s nothing that says hippy like a good thumb stuck out. I guess I’ll have to keep my fingers crossed that a creeper doesn’t pick me up, since I can no longer carry a gun. Stranger danger alert!

Instead of staying clean, I’ll get into happy drugs and embrace my inner rockstar. That’s the cool thing to do, right? Last I checked weed was in (but I’ll be using it for medical purposes of course). On second thought, I’m not sure I want to contaminate my body that way.

In terms of music, I’ll definitely have to throw out all my country CDs and get my Bob Dylan on. No more swing dancing for me (sorry guys). It’s too bad Woodstock isn’t still around; I feel like that could have been fun.

One good thing about this change is I can still hate the government. Now I can protest peacefully though. I get to do a sit-in! That will be a new experience. I just hope the bus stops when it sees me in the middle of the road. If it doesn’t I’ll get to be a pancake hippie.

I will have to switch my political party though, so that will be tough. On the bright side, I will advocate for the rich to give their money to me because we should all be equal in terms of our income. If I’m lucky I’ll get on welfare and I’ll teach my children that it’s easier to live off welfare than ever trying to get a job.

I am worried that my family and community will disown me after this change, but I won’t care. Free love baby, no war. Let’s get our peace on!

Robyn Scherer quickly realized she failed as a hippy, and must resort back to raising goats and hogs because she missed her sparkly belts and swing dancing too much. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:27 pm

Our View: Our votes go out to …

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Collegian Editorial Board

The Collegian Editorial Board is proud to endorse it’s own Managing Editor Jim Sojourner for Associated Students of CSU president/vice president.

As an unannounced, dark horse candidate, we believe Mr. Sojourner has just as good of a chance of winning as any other candidate because his unannounced campaign platforms are just as likely to be completed as anyone
else’s.

For starters, Mr. Sojourner has promised to raise student fees between three and four dollars a year until the CSU football team has a winning season. It’s important to remember not to get angry, he’s said, because, after all, it’s such a small increase.

Second, Mr. Sojourner has promised to rule the CSU campus with an iron fist and to swallow whatever he’s asked to swallow.

Third, Mr. Sojourner has promised to meet and remember every student on campus –– not because he thinks any of them are important, but because he really has nothing better to do.

Finally, Mr. Sojourner has promised to set a shining example by refusing to pay tuition. If the state refuses to fund higher education, his platform says, it’s time students do the same.

As a one-person president/vice president, Mr. Sojourner will be the perfect bridge between the Senate and executive branch.

It’s true that last week the ASCSU elections committee ruled that students couldn’t run alone. It’s also true that Mr. Sojourner is graduating in May. But those are also both great reasons vote for him. At this critical time in CSU’s funding future, students need someone who’s willing to buck the system and give the powers that be a giant middle finger.

Join us this April Fools Day in shouting, “Sojourner!” … And be sure to check back Tuesday for our real endorsement before voting in the ASCSU elections on April 4, 5 and 6.

 Posted by at 3:25 pm

Op-editor: A real April fool

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Chadwick Bowman

As editor of The Rocky Mountain Collegian’s opinions and editorials, I can say that I agree with everything that has ever been written on my page.

I agree that Barack Obama is a “blowhard” and I agree that George W. Bush will be known as a great president. I believe that the future of America will be restored with President Obama and he will fix the problems this nation faces –– problems created by W.

I believe in no budget cuts and lower taxes to keep everyone happy and I believe in higher taxes and budget cuts to keep everyone humble. I think being young in America right now is comforting.

I believe Jesus will save this country and atheists need stronger representation in Congress.

I am an advocate for Texan and Hawaiian sovereignty, but for two very different reasons.

I think we should have a war between the town’s walking population, the town’s biking population and the town’s driving population. Those left standing can all get on long-boards, put on white sunglasses and skate into the sunset.

I think ASCSU does a good job and that they should do a better job. I like them all personally … I get the feeling they don’t like me personally.

My hippie elitist columnists and I will fit in great with the left-leaning, liberal media, while my staunch, conservative constitutional columnists and I will work well under Rupert Murdoch.

I hate Old Town and think it’s out of control and overrun with young people. I hate the beer here –– that’s for sure.

I don’t listen to Lil’ Wayne and my hair is long and curly, and your girl wears it down her back like mine.

I do know that the Bill of Rights was adopted in 1791, but also know that when Thomas Jefferson emigrated from Canada he carried a gun.

I have to carry a gun for protection against gun advocates. Ironic?

Marijuana should be legal. Potheads should be illegal.

You know when you’re dating someone and everyone and their mother wants to hear about her? That’s how I feel about Sarah Palin. I feel like I’m dating Sarah Palin.

I don’t believe the people at the Collegian work hard. And I do believe that young people read.

Bernie Sanders and Bernie Madoff are my favorite Bernies –– one is a socialist and one is good at math.

After the last few weeks of watching the Nuggets win, I wish we had Carmelo back. And I think if there is no NFL next year and there is an NBA, the Nuggets should sign
Tim Tebow.

I think at the rate we are going right now, the only two nations in the Middle East that won’t have democratic ideals will be Iraq and Afghanistan.

I believe the free and open forum to express an opinion here is an unhealthy practice and bad for the discourse of our community.

Finally I think Fox News and MSNBC do a good job of reporting the news.

Editorial Editor Chadwick Bowman is a not a CSU student, but keeps his school i.d. and lies to the pretty girl at Chipotle to get a free drink. This column is not serious and any letters to the editor will be taken even less-seriously –– so don’t write me. Letters and feedback can be sent to leavemealone@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:24 pm

Daily Record

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Collegian Staff Report

Wednesday and Thursday arrests
There were no arrest affidavits available at time of pick up.

*Other notable items:
Wednesday*

  • 12:00 a.m.: Motor vehicle accident with no injuries at Parmelee Hall, 701 W. Laurel St.
  • 4:53 a.m.: Suspicious circumstances/prowler at the 1400 block of South College Avenue.
  • 6:24 a.m.: Suspicious circumstances/prowler at the Andrew G. Clark Building, 1201 Center Ave.
  • 1:08 p.m.: Motor vehicle accident with no injuries at Corbett Hall, 801 W. Laurel St.
  • 2:01 p.m.: Fraud at the Parking Services building, 1508 Center Ave.
  • 4:02 p.m.: Theft at the Lory Student Center, 1101 Center Ave.
  • 4:49 p.m.: Suspicious circumstances/prowler at the 700 block of Meridian Avenue.
  • 6:15 p.m.: Suspicious circumstances/prowler at the 500 block of West Plum Street.

The Daily Record will be published in the Collegian Tuesday through Friday. It is compiled by the staff of the Collegian from arrest affidavits and a daily incident record provided by the CSUPD. The Daily Record is also available online at Collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:08 pm

RamTalk

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Mar 312011
 
Authors: Compiled by Alexandra Sieh
  • To the Greenpeace girl who had all her paper blown away by the wind: It doesn’t look like nature feels the same way about you.
  • You know our football team is going to be great when they’re out there warming up to Rebecca Black’s “Friday” at 7 a.m.
  • Having sex is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
  • Just once I would like to see a squirrel get swept up in these ferocious winds and become a flying squirrel.
  • Has anyone else noticed that the rear end of campus ram statues face Boulder? Coincidence? I think not.
 Posted by at 3:06 pm