I work as a college journalist. And this may shock you, but despite my wealth of institutional knowledge and infinitely valuable liberal arts degree, Iâ€™m not particularly loaded with cash.
So, while some of my classmates are partying on white sand beaches and going on memorable cross-country road trips, Iâ€™ll be comfortably on my couch â€” which is technically a futon â€“â€“ traveling not to literal far-off lands but metaphorical ones, holding not a pina colada but rather a coffee cup â€” which is technically a badass goblet â€“â€“ full of something that you probably shouldnâ€™t drink at 8 a.m.
But thereâ€™s hope! And that hope lies in a magical invention that I like to call â€œthe boob tube.â€ Luckily, Iâ€™ve had plenty of time throughout my 20 years of existence to peruse everything this magical device has to offer, and I would like to bestow my useless knowledge unto you.
Granted, every TV show that I end up watching features advertisements for erectile dysfunction pills and electric wheelchairs, but I attribute this to the fact that Iâ€™m mature for my age, not at all to the fact that Iâ€™m frickinâ€™ lame.
Without making an even bigger fool of myself, here is my list of favorite TV shows to make you feel like youâ€™re on Spring Break despite never leaving the comforts of your own couch:
â€˜Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations,â€™ The Travel Channel
If I were ever to become a food reviewer/world traveler, I would totally become Anthony Bourdain. This chain-smoking, one-ear-pierced, profanity-throwing, angry New Jersey native is the epitome of cool, and he knows it.
I can count on one hand the number of people in the world who can simultaneously smoke a pack of cigarettes while eating pig brains in Zimbabwe. Anthony Bourdain is one of them.
â€œSamantha Brownâ€™s Passport to Europe/Latin America/Asia,â€ The Travel Channel
I was forced to watch this constantly as a little kid. I used to think it was because of the exotic locales, fun cultures and Samantha Brownâ€™s enthusiastic nature. But later in life, I found out that it was because my dad thought she looked really hot in a bikini.
However, I personally became a fan because her shows do make you feel like youâ€™re hanging out in totally awesome places, like the Louvre or Detroit, while youâ€™re actually just chilling on your futon, drinkinâ€™ out of your goblet.
And itâ€™s not to be forgotten that this woman seriously has the best job ever.
The Jersey Shore, MTV
Itâ€™s like a clichÃ©d college spring break year-round! From whiny, drunk girls hanging on buff guys while drinking tequila on a beach to intense â€œreal-worldâ€ drama (I side with Snooki â€¦ screw you Pauly D!), â€œThe Jersey Shoreâ€ never fails to disappoint â€¦ and also makes me want to get tested.
Tune in for the party you wish you were invited to on the first Friday of spring break â€¦ instead of, you know, doing what you normally do: watching â€œGolden Girlsâ€ reruns while drinking Pediasure.
For the record, I would never consent to a paternity test. I donâ€™t care if my future child with my fake British boyfriend comes out white, Iâ€™m still totally going to say that itâ€™s Kanye Westâ€™s.
Because Iâ€™m a gold-digger. And I ainâ€™t gonna mess witâ€™ no broke â€¦ fellow.
In that vein, the drama of paternity tests, â€œcuzbandsâ€ and transvestite strippers make Maury the ultimate show for a lazy afternoon of nothingness. These peopleâ€™s serious problems make you thankful that, even though youâ€™re spending spring break on a futon in a coffee-stained bathrobe, life could be worse: You arenâ€™t working as a prostitute while being married to the owner of an adult cinema catering to toddlers.
And this is a message that we should all take to heart.
News Editor Allison Sylte is actually camping at the Sand Dunes for a few days during spring break. But rest assured, sheâ€™ll return to the couch where she belongs. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org