I can feel my nose hair burning as I sit down to write this article.
If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I have a keen nose â€” a nose like a bloodhound. Unfortunately, one does not need this type of nose to identify the scents on campus.
Because aromas can evoke emotion, many people pride themselves an having a â€œsignature scent.â€ These people who claim they have a signature scent enjoy the idea of having someone think of them when they smell a particular fragrance. Unfortunately, when speaking about my CSU campus peers, this â€œfragranceâ€ I speak of is body odor.
The â€œI-justâ€“came-back-from-the-gym-two-days-agoâ€ smell is too familiar on CSUâ€™s campus. This type of person can subscribe to the concept of not caring what anyone thinks of them â€¦ as if this is a desirable attribute.
Said individual walks proudly into class, while their stench lingers around them in a bubble of potent sweat that you can almost feel condensing on your body. This is the closest thing to oneâ€™s own personal â€œcone of silenceâ€ (with apologies to â€œGet Smartâ€).
Of course, it wouldnâ€™t be a good day if they didnâ€™t sit right next to you in your class, leaving the other 100 seats in the lecture hall open. The smell clings to you, and you know going to your Finance 600 class was a waste of time. The foul smell shields you from meeting a potential suitor (why else would you take Finance 600 if you didnâ€™t want to marry the future Warren Buffett?).
My advice? Move seats now with neither delay nor apology. Of course, for those of you concerned about hurting the offenderâ€™s delicate feelings, swooning as though about to faint, or faking an emergency text from your
broker may be advisable.
The quick (and only) fix to body odor is a shower.
Sadly, it is obvious that many individuals believe that saturating oneself in Britney Spearsâ€™ â€œCuriousâ€ perfume is an acceptable workaround to the potent cloud of nastiness. No one cares if you have an emotional tie to â€œCrossroadsâ€ and Britney. Whatâ€™s important here is to avoid scents that make you smell like a 12-year-old coated in sugar.
A fragrance company, Demeter, makes it their mission to appeal to all noses and to provide scents that anyone can enjoy â€” or not enjoy. Whatever you do, folks, please avoid these â€œpopularâ€ scents that I know Iâ€™ve smelled on campus:
Play Doh: For a low price of around $25 you too can smell like a day care center.
Funeral Home: Because thereâ€™s nothing like re-living the sadness of your Grandmotherâ€™s funeral via odor.
Sex on the Beach Perfume: For those who find pleasure in smelling like a walking prostitute, with a side of dead fish (and for those of you from New Jersey, maybe a few syringes thrown in â€” no offense.)
Whiskey tobacco: For the anachronistic Marlboro Men in our midst who donâ€™t actually wish to smoke but still want to smell like an ashtray.
Rubber: Enough said.
Hopefully you will take this article to heart and rethink your morning rituals. Take a freaking shower and do refrain from overdosing on the eau de toilette.
Until next Monday, Iâ€™m off to freshen up with my Mariah Carey perfume while I watch Glitter.
Lydia Jorden is a sophomore business administration major with a minor in scent studies (obvi!) and enjoys minor scents. Her favorite color is green. Her column runs Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org._