Feb 012011
 
Authors: Shane Rohleder

I would like to introduce the student body to the WWSPD: the “What Would Sarah Palin Do,” column. This column will run tri-weekly –– its sole purpose being to examine local and global issues through the glasses of Sarah Palin.

The issue being examined this week is the pending tuition hike in debate for next year’s students attending CSU. The tuition hike was brought to our attention by Jim Sojourner, who wrote an article in Monday’s Collegian titled “Tuition jack-up possible.” Palin would undoubtedly give Sojourner two thumbs way up for his sound, objective journalism. Then she would immediately get to work, “going rogue” straightaway.

Dictionary.com defines the word “rogue” as: a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel, or a playfully mischievous person.
Since Palin has already “gone rogue” before, she wouldn’t have to make any dire changes in order to battle the injustice of the tuition hike (except perhaps increasing her “scoundrel quotient,” which has always been a bit lax in my opinion).

This being the case, and wanting to act on her strong suits of “playfully mischievous,” and “dishonest,” she would start by throwing a playfully mischievous fit in whatever establishment, of whatever state, she might happen to be in. Then she would be compelled to fly to Colorado to give a dishonest speech.

In order to ensure that people attend her speech she will have obviously reserved the East Ballroom on the third floor of the Lory Student Center, because, as all rogues know, a local public meeting space is crucial for ensuring attendance and pluralism among citizens; she might first rally supporters in the plaza.

Holding a megaphone in one hand, she’ll shout the words she elegantly wrote in big black letters off her hand-made sign: “Tuition hikes will kill your first child.”

Once enough of the student body has taken interest, she will shepherd them into the East Ballroom and begin her speech, which I imagine going something like this:

Greeting CSU Rams,

It is my great honor to be your shepherd today, chosen from among your flock to lead a “roguellion” against those powers who would take your first child’s life by increasing tuition at Colorado State University. As many of you know, I have children. And, as many of you know, one of my children has a child. That makes me a grandma, wow … I just figured that out … (wait for applause and laughter to die down) … Thank you, please, please sit. I firmly believe that the only reason they are alive today –– and why I’ve gotten the opportunity to watch my eldest daughter Bristol on Dancing with the Stars –– is because of low tuition rates.

Unfortunately, what comes after this, in my mind, cannot be written here. At a base level I envision a PowerPoint presentation with random pictures of dead children from any historic era (WWII, to futuristic space babies) filtered in among clipart pictures of money symbols and cold hard cash.

Of course she would be skeptical of taking into account anything university President Tony Frank lamented to audiences about last Thursday and Friday regarding the “tough decisions” being made about student tuition in the face of depleting state funding, lest her speech loose some of its sensationalism.

After the speech, in true rogue fashion, she would answer questions about the speech from reporters at the Collegian.
Upon being asked if any children are safe she might state, “In what respect?” The reporter may be a bit taken back at first, then chuckle, and say, “I don’t know.” Her reply, “I just don’ know either, I just don’ know.” Smiling brightly at her intelligent response.

Shane Rohleder is a senior journalism major. His column appears Tuesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:51 pm

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