Dec 082010
 
Authors: Sarah Millard

I began this semester with a list of four very specific rules to follow to make the best of your college experience. If you have followed all of these guidelines, there’s no doubt you have been very successful thus far in your college career. One might even assume you are prepared enough to graduate a year early. But seriously, who would ever do that? It’s crazy.

Anyway, I figured that in order to stay consistent, I would use my final column of the semester to write a list of ways to have a successful finals week.

Rule number one: Don’t go to class. I know this is a little bit late because it’s Thursday, but seriously, leave. Just pick up your bag and leave. What are you going to learn in the last day that you don’t already know? Sure, there may be extra credit, but why chance it? It’s extra, meaning more work, which is automatically a negative, especially a few weeks before Christmas.

Plus, professors love it when you show assertiveness. It’s a must-have in the workplace and by exhibiting your nonconformity by suddenly leaving class, you will impress the hell out of them enough to warrant a wonderful letter of recommendation. Don’t wait, just leave campus now.

But more importantly, don’t come to campus tonight. I have a Thursday night class, and it’s already impossible to find parking without finals week creeping around the corner.

Which leads me to my next point: don’t study. At all. Ever. Honestly, it’s a waste of time.

Let’s recap your typical study session: you and a group of students from class whom you’ve barely spoken to before sit at a table in the library and for three hours, complain about the professor, the final and school in general. Perhaps some minor studying will get done, but honestly, you’d be much better off sleeping.

Rule number three: absolutely no all-nighters. What time is it now? 11:00 a.m.? 5:23 p.m.? Noon? Midnight? The correct answer is, “who cares what time it is? I should be sleeping.”

And that’s exactly what you should be doing. Why spend all night studying something you should have known three months ago?
It’s worthless and it causes unnecessary stress. Instead spend your time doing something worthwhile, like knitting a scarf or spending 20 minutes deciding whether or not to take out the trash or let someone else do it.

In 30 years, it won’t matter how you did in your Moral Problems class, but I can guarantee you that your roommates will always remember how you never did anything around the house except stalk your exes on Facebook.

Which brings me to my final and most important way to do your best on these finals: spend all of your time on Facebook.
Have you seen the new layout? It’s incredible. It seems like it’s been almost two months since the last major Facebook overhaul, and you’re not 10 anymore; you need to spend at least a week figuring out the new system.

After you’ve done that, there are so many possibilities. You can publish your “year in statuses” as a self-absorbed way of remembering how funny and witty you were this year.

You can post anonymous self-realizations to those who send a random number to your inbox. Or you can create a fake Facebook account and use it to creep on exes and make them jealous. The possibilities are endless.

No matter which Facebook route you chose, the end result is way better than anything you might have learned while studying, or even thinking about finals.

Finals are merely a way to make students feel as though all of the work they did during the semester was useless. The stress of finals is overwhelming; sometimes a student will have five or six finals crammed into three days, plus jobs, family and social obligations.

This isn’t high school anymore, kids. We’re reminded of that every day. So why not act our age and do what adults do when times get tough? Just give up, grab a beer and fall asleep next to twinkling Christmas lights.

Sarah Millard is senior political science major. Her column appears Thursdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be reached letters@collegian.

 Posted by at 2:13 pm

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