Let me preface this column by telling you that the subject matter has, in no way, any relevance to any current event.
I mean: The whole zombie thing would have made sense a month ago, being Halloween and all.
You could make the case that midterm-taking, coffee-fiending, midnight oil-burning students look like zombies as the trek across the sub-freezing Plaza.
But really I couldnâ€™t think of any ideas this week. Maybe the zombies have already got to my brain.
So, hereâ€™s to us surviving the zombie apocalypse. Hopefully this guide will give you a fighting chance.
1. Buy the â€˜The Zombie Survival Guideâ€™
Max Brooksâ€™ book gives some really good tips and information on how to survive zombies. Or so Iâ€™m told.
Personally, Iâ€™d trust my guide more. And Iâ€™m too lazy to read.
But pick it up anyway. There might be some helpful tips. Plus, thereâ€™s no cable TV in the zombie world, so it could make for some good light reading.
2. Find a Wal-Mart
It is very important you find a store with a wide variety of items. Look for a Supercenter.
Heck, if you need to, find a Costco or Samâ€™s Club â€“â€“ basically anywhere that you can find Spaghettios and shotguns.
Avoid Target though. Not because itâ€™s not a good store, but the name seems a little too counterproductive to a good hideout.
3. Stock up on Twinkies
Apparently Woody Harrelsonâ€™s character in â€œZombielandâ€ had the right idea.
Twinkies symbolize all that is good in the world. Theyâ€™re gooey little golden pastries of freedom and life, cream filling included.
Plus, arenâ€™t the little bastards good for like 80 years in packaging? Iâ€™d look that up, but clearly I donâ€™t do any research for my column.
Maybe if zombies sunk their teeth into the heavenly golden treat theyâ€™d kick sinking their teeth into peopleâ€™s jugulars.
4. Pair up with the opposite sex
Graphic content aside, it seems kind of important to have some company. The zombie world is quite lonely.
But pretty people need not apply. No offense, but your dashingly good looks wonâ€™t help you outrun a hungry horde.
Iâ€™d think a hearty, beefy specimen of human badassness would be a good partner in fighting off the undead.
In the end, surviving the zombie apocalypse is everyone for him or herself.
Not to quote â€œZombielandâ€ again, but cardio is essential to survival. If you can outrun your enemies, and your comrades, youâ€™re likely home free.
This one doesnâ€™t bode well for me. Iâ€™mma be one of the people hiding. Remember me well.
Multimedia Editor Johnny Hartâ€™s brain is mush, and apparently tasty. Send help to email@example.com.