â€œDonâ€™t let him gonna! Whyâ€™s he wanna? Why would he bear arms?â€ says Seth Rogenâ€™s character in the Pineapple Express.
I speak in movie lines, all day, every day, anywhere I go. Most people who donâ€™t know me, or who havenâ€™t seen the same movies I have or who simply watch movies then forget them, donâ€™t understand half the things that come out of my mouth.
When I go to the theater to see a movie, I donâ€™t just watch the movie; I memorize the funny parts, the passionate parts the sad parts, or anything that stands out as something I should keep locked away. Why? Donâ€™t ask me.
My capacity for memorization while watching a movie is tenfold that of my capacity for memorization while studying for a test. For instance, I can remember most of the lines verbatim from Pineapple Express, but I canâ€™t remember if it was Quintilian or Francis Bacon who said, â€œRhetoric is applying reason to imagination for the better moving of the will,â€ even if Iâ€™ve been studying for an hour or more.
Often I feel the need to shout, â€œBecause it is my name! Because I lie and I sign myself to lies! Because Iâ€™m not worth the dust on the shoes of those youâ€™ve hanged. I have given you my soul, leave me my name!â€ in the middle of Thursday night Frisbee games. Those of you who have seen the Crucible with Daniel-Day Lewis know what Iâ€™m talking about; those of you who havenâ€™t should stop reading this article.
If I had a nickel for every time Iâ€™ve been glared at awkwardly by a blonde Barbie doll in a Thursday night bar line while shouting, â€œTonight we settle, for good and all, who lay sway over the five points,â€ Iâ€™d be a rich man.
My favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast (donâ€™t judge). Sometimes, when one of my roommates is in the bathroom and I need to use my toothbrush, and theyâ€™re doing dirty business (of many kinds), the only thing I can think to say is, â€œWhat are you doing here? I told you never to come here! Do you realize what you could have done? Get out! Get out!â€
Then I start ripping pictures of myself off the wall and foaming out the mouth. Yeah.
The perfect movie line can seal the deal when it comes to women. Wait, nope. But the perfect movie line can seal the deal when it comes to manly adventures.
For instance, if youâ€™re about to embark on a long hike into the Alaskan wilderness at 10 p.m. without flashlights in the pouring rain, you might want to use a speech from, say, Gladiator, â€œ â€¦ If you find yourself alone, riding through green fields with the sun on your face, do not be alarmed, for you are in Elysium and youâ€™re already dead! What we do in life echoes in eternity.â€
This is the type of information that you must have stored away. The definitions of intersectionality and symbolic annihilation arenâ€™t what youâ€™re going to need when youâ€™re lost in a forest; itâ€™s the booming voice of Russell Crowe that will get you through.
Iâ€™ve decided that trying to understand â€œthe whyâ€ about anything that makes me, me (or you, you) is the same as trying to understand â€œthe whyâ€ of growing to be five foot seven inches tall and not six feet.
There is no reason to fight my obsessive-compulsive behavior, and so I accept it all the more.
So the next time you find yourself questioning the dirty looks, or the confusion youâ€™re causing in your immediate surroundings with your tireless quoting of your favorite movie, book, or tape series; tell the offended few to, â€œturn on their heart light,â€ or shout, â€œThis ends now!â€ and slam their head into the drywall, then duck tape them to a chair and hold them hostage using a small cactus for a weapon should they try to escape.
Shane Rohleder is a senior communication studies major. His column appears Thursdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.