I have no clue when it comes to women. My natural manly pride tells me differently, but seriously, theyâ€™re a mystery.
No wonder the only people who approach me in public are men. And thank you to those people, but I think Iâ€™d rather you be an attractive woman.
And as the girl who recognized me at a party this weekend knows, Iâ€™m really awkward around the fairer sex. Sorry mystery girl, and thanks for the praises.
I donâ€™t think, however, that Iâ€™m alone in my befuddlement involving women. Thereâ€™s no way Iâ€™m alone in my frustrations.
So I want to pose five questions to women â€“â€“ feel free to respond to email@example.com â€“â€“ about stuff Iâ€™ve never understood.
And next week I want to flip the situation, so ladies please send me some questions you have about the things men do.
If I get enough, Iâ€™ll answer them.
1. Where do women do their business?
From all my experience, women donâ€™t poop. Or fart.
The only woman in my life Iâ€™ve ever heard of going No. 2 is my mother, and Iâ€™m not entirely sure she wasnâ€™t just laying down a bed of roses.
And Iâ€™m sure all you married men out there can tell me differently, but I wonâ€™t believe you.
Women eat the same food; they drink the same drinks. So where does it go? Itâ€™s top-secret information, which I suspect is guarded when women use the bathroom
Speaking of which â€¦
2. Why do women go to the bathroom in packs?
Other than the possible explanation above, this ritual is baffling.
Youâ€™ll never see men knowingly enter the bathroom together. Even inside, there is a urinal spacing protocol.
My unscientific conclusion is there must be a couch or some sort of kegorator in the womenâ€™s bathroom.
I know Iâ€™d use the bathroom more if there was a big screen, but thatâ€™s probably just me.
3. Why do women ask questions that they already know the answers to?
â€œHow do I look?â€ â€œDoes this outfit make me look fat?â€ â€œWould you still love me if: I had a different personality â€¦ I was ugly â€¦ I lived in Timbuktu?â€
Men, these are trick questions. You want to answer them as quickly and properly as possible.
Yes. No. Of course. Beautiful. All of these words are an appropriate answer.
Never, ever, ever, use a â€œbutâ€ after any of these. Youâ€™re in for a world of hate if you do.
4. Why do women pack so much?
Ladies, how many outfits do you really need for a weekend outing? Especially to cold place like, say, Alaska. Or a warm place like, say, Hell.
Iâ€™m flexible with the miscellaneous stuff like makeup. Bring whatever you need there. Iâ€™m sure thereâ€™s some purpose or use that Iâ€™ll never understand for each item.
But leave your bikini at home if youâ€™re headed to the upper Northwest. And your parka doesnâ€™t need to make the trip south of the border.
5. Why do women open their mouths when putting on mascara?
Itâ€™s anatomically impossible for women to close their mouths while putting on mascara.
Itâ€™s the same syndrome as Michael Jordan wagging his tongue while going for a dunk â€“â€“ I feel old since most of you youngsters wonâ€™t get that reference.
I heard, like sneezing and closing your eyes, if you shut your mouth while putting on mascara youâ€™re brain will explode.
Thatâ€™s the truth, and I dare you to try it. Do it.
Managing Editor Johnny Hart loves Rocktember and is feeling an oncoming Rocktober. Send him suggestions and feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org.