I am blessed with a fantastic name. It just rolls off the tongue.
It was never really a choice though; my fatherâ€™s name is John and his fatherâ€™s, too.
Iâ€™ve been told my name has a rock star feel, like I should die in a tragic car accident too young, like James Dean.
Once, my god camp counselor told me it sounded like a porn star name â€¦ a little weird, right?
However I do have the misfortune of having the same name as a famous syndicated newspaper cartoonist â€“â€“ I used to tell my gullible friends that I drew it. By the way, extra credit to whomever finds the strip.
Iâ€™m happy with it. My parents didnâ€™t have to try really hard to make my name cool â€“â€“ actually being cool is a different story.
But some celebrities have taken the naming process too far. And some of the concoctions leave these poor, defenseless children with truly god-awful names.
Oh those poor celebrity children.
1. Jermajesty â€“â€“ Jermaine Jackson
Normally I donâ€™t present my top five in order, but this celebrity name tops them all.
The older brother of Michael Jackson officially topped the King of Popâ€™s naming blunder â€œBlanket,â€ with the naming of his son.
I mean, come on. Really Jermaine? Did you have to live up to the family name?
Jermajesty sounds like some bedazzling machine. You can add random suffixes to the name: Jermajishness, Jermajistration, Jermajistology, etc.
Just. Plain. Awful.
2. Pirate â€“â€“ Deven and Jonathan Davis
How messed up will this kid be? Let me explain.
One, his name is Pirate. Thatâ€™s enough to garner some schoolhouse ridicule.
Two, his father is Jonathan Davis, one of the more sinister metal-rap frontmen.
Three, his mom is a porn star. His name really gives a new meaning to â€œArrrâ€ rating.
3. Kyd â€“â€“ David Duchovny and TÃªa Leoni
Not only is David Duchovny a sex addict, but apparently, heâ€™s lazy too. But only with this child.
The coupleâ€™s first child, Madelaine, has a fairly normal name, so why did they name their second child Kyd?
Then again, itâ€™s much easier to yell for him. Thatâ€™s a plus.
And Duchovny gets a pass because he plays an awesome, sex-addicted writer on the show â€œCalifornication.â€
4. Pilot Inspektor â€“â€“ Jason Lee
Like me, Jason Lee shares a name with another famous celebrity â€“â€“ the youngest son of Bruce Lee.
However, the formerâ€™s acting career has taken to flight much faster than the latterâ€™s.
So it is amazing that Lee named his son Pilot Inspecktor. I mean: He has no reason to differentiate his son from any other famous baby.
Also, pilot inspectors donâ€™t even exist. What does it all mean?!
5. Moxie Crime-Fighter â€“â€“ Penn Jillette
I feel truly awful for Penn Jilletteâ€™s daughter. Being born with that giantâ€™s genes is horrible for anyone, much less a young lady.
It is kind of funny though that Penn, who performs magic with his partner in crime Teller, has a show called â€œBulls**t!â€
Honestly, maybe Teller needs to tell her that she should be on the show because her name is, well, you know.
Managing Editor Johnny Hart has been forgetting to put love at the bottom of his columns. He sincerely apologies and loves you all. Send him love back to firstname.lastname@example.org.