Aug 312010
Authors: Johnny Hart

When did the death of the English language happen? It seems now that everyone needs to speak or write in 162 characters or less.

“JSYK, it’s not cool to dweet me at 3 a.m., k? Thx.” Translation: Late night drunk Tweeting is bad, mmmk?

And what happened to social interaction? Any given class period you can expect someone to text from one side of those big lecture halls to his or her friend on the other side.

And Facebook, oh Facebook. Did you know if you’re dating someone who doesn’t belong to Facebook, they don’t exist? Literally. They’ll poof up in a cloud of smoke.

Plus nowadays you can Tweet, check e-mail and Facebook from your phone. And the same from your laptop … and your iPod … or iPad. Heck, you probably can hook up your refrigerator to the web.

Let’s face it though, technology is here to stay. I’m guilty of being consumed with it. Just don’t let it take over your life. Only embrace it.

And be thankful that you have the technologies below, because life would pretty much suck without them.

1. High-speed Internet
You may think that high-speed Internet is not an essential technology. I beg to differ.

You haven’t felt out of the loop until your wireless Internet can’t download faster than dial-up ––
you know, those. Trust me, I know from experience.

No Hulu, no Netflix, not even YouTube. And with a slow uploading/downloading rate, porn is definitely out of the question.

2. Google
By raise of hand, how many of you used Google today? How many have it as your homepage for your web browser? In the toolbar?

Good, mostly all of you. Now put your hands down. You all look ridiculous.

Without search engines, I’d hedge the bet that the Internet would be as prolific as it is today. But Google takes it to another level.

Its algorithms are incredible. Its ability to crawl the web for information: astounding.

And its look is simple and colorful. It’s soooo pwetty.

3. Cell phones
I dare you, no, double-dog dare you, to leave your cell phone at home for an entire day. Some of you will be OK. You’re clearly trapped in the wrong decade, like us print journalists.

For the others, you’ll have a straight-up panic attack. I’d bet money on it.

Bored in class and need a distraction? Reach in your pocket … wait, your phone isn’t there.
Raining and need a ride home? Find an umbrella because you’re gunna be walking without your

And don’t tell me you’d use a payphone; they don’t even make those anymore. They’re like those old-timey bikes –– the ones with the big wheels.

4. Cable/satellite television
So this one’s sort of a stretch, but I picked it because of its enormous impact on our society already.

With the proliferation of the 24-hour-a-day news channels, people are now watching more and more news.

And in theory more news should equal high levels of knowledge, at least about current events.
But in the end, you just end up getting re-runs of Glenn Beck, Keith Olberman and Larry King.
And Larry looks even more crypt-keeper like at 4 a.m.

It’s still fun to watch though.

5. Instant food
This one’s especially important for college students, especially Collegianites because we’re tired, angry, lazy and usually famished.

First came the fridge and the grocery store. Then the microwave. And finally, the mini-fridge and the Kegerator.

But the real goods, Easy Mac and ramen noodles. Without such staples, students would rely almost completely on beer for nutrients.

Managing Editor Johnny Hart misses streaming online video. Sympathy can be sent to

 Posted by at 2:13 pm

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