Aug 252010
Authors: Sarah Millard

Perhaps the biggest story circulating Colorado media these past few days is that of the riots that erupted in Old Town following the second day of Bohemian Nights at NewWestFest. Roughly 400 people were involved in these disturbances that consisted of throwing bottles, breaking windows and stealing merchandise from festival vendors.

Who would have ever thought that the soulful styling of 1970s R&B band Earth, Wind & Fire would be the cause of such malicious behavior? Surely “Sing A Song” does not contain undertones for youthful rebellion.

While my conclusion may be an extreme exaggeration, the riots on Saturday night provided me with an excellent segue into my first topic for the school year: what not to do in college.

Freshmen: I’m sure you’ve heard all of this before. After all, you’ve been to university sponsored events such as Preview and RamWelcome where they provide you with generous amounts of “not to’s” while still trying to provide you with a sense of freedom, which you find to be a blatant façade after your first run-in with campus police. After all, we can buy cigarettes and lottery tickets now; aren’t we considered adults?

And honestly, what is college good for if not riding your bike naked, in the wrong direction, down a one-way street? They certainly didn’t mention that at Preview.
Which brings me to my first point: Don’t ride your bike naked in the wrong direction on a one-way street.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, those bike cops are tricky. Not to spill their secret, but they can be frequently seen hiding behind trees and garbage cans to catch unsuspecting freshmen and cocky seniors who try to beat the system. And while you think you may be able to out-bike them, think again. Most of them have calves that rival the Hulk’s.

Which is a perfect transition into my second point: Don’t text in class.

Trust me, I understand the temptation. It’s almost impossible to sit through a 100-level sociology class in Clark A101 without whipping out your cell phone to text your best friend on the other side of the room who you can’t even see because Clark A101 is simply too damn big. And chances are your professor won’t catch you the first time, or the second time or even the third time.

You might not even be caught at all, but if you are, there is little in life more embarrassing than getting publically humiliated by a professor who has transformed into a giant green monster and descended upon your quivering head to ensure that those 350 other people know you’re the stupid kid who doesn’t know how to secretly text right.

From experience, it’s almost as bad as getting caught grooving to 1970s soul on a Saturday night by your adviser.

Segue into my third piece of advice: don’t go places where older people hang out. This one is pretty self-explanatory. You’re not old enough to drink, so why are you there anyway?

And perhaps my best piece of advice: don’t hesitate to get a fake ID. Just kidding. But on a more serious note, don’t drink and drive.
While it would be morally sane of me to advocate not drinking while you’re underage, the underage part of me knows that college kids drink, so if you make the choice to, be safe. Not only could you hurt yourself, but you could hurt others as well.

Furthermore, if you get caught and get a DUI, you can lose your license and will be forced to ride your bike, thus insuring you get a ticket by the hardcore bike cops, thus completing my circle of knowledge.

In general, just don’t be stupid. While this may be your first taste of real freedom, it’s also your first taste of the real responsibility from being on your own. In a few years, you’ll be graduated from college and may be forever known as the guy who got tear-gassed while leaving a concert of a band that his mom listened to.

Sarah Millard is a senior political science major. Her column appears Thursdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to

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