Happy April 21, my loyal readers. Iâ€™m glad you survived the 4/20 festivities.
Letâ€™s be honest though, the worst that couldâ€™ve happened is you falling asleep with a Twinkie in your hand.
Tuesday marked the annual cannabis celebration â€“â€“ a virtual profusion of pot, a surplus of stick-icky-icky.
Each year, hundreds of thousands of â€œactivistsâ€ gather to celebrate that notorious herb marijuana. Itâ€™s sometimes on a campus, like CSU or CU-Boulder, and sometimes other places, like their parentsâ€™ basement.
But I digress.
In honor of such a historic holiday, Iâ€™ve decided to help you readers out a bit. I know â€¦ so generous.
Hereâ€™s a guide to determine if someone you live with â€“â€“ be it a buddy, boyfriend, girlfriend, grandparent, roommate or exchange student â€“â€“ is a stoner.
And all of you who smoke a lot, do not read further. Instead look in my hand. Itâ€™s a burrito.
See it? See it? Now, fetch!
When first suspecting your living partner of being a Mary Jane master, make sure youâ€™re checking your stock of groceries.
One sign might be several different half-empty boxes of cereal. The type is most likely the same, but thatâ€™s beside the point.
Another sign might be if not only your roommateâ€™s groceries but your groceries are also gone.
This is not damning evidence though. The true indicator is with delivery drivers.
Your roommate doesnâ€™t tip, but these fast food drivers always seem to rush orders to your home. Why? The ever-popular â€œgreenâ€ tip.
Does your roommate own a van? Check.
Does he or she ride a longboard to class? Check. How about owning a fixed-gear bike? Check.
These seemingly innocent, yet very important transportation methods are high indicators your roomie might be a reefer.
Also, check out their shoes. If they go with some form of moccasins or Birkenstocks most days, be wary. Or barefoot if theyâ€™re really poor.
For most stoners, body odor isnâ€™t really an issue. I mean, think about it. Most times they smell like that skunky sticky-icky-icky anyways, so whatâ€™s a little B.O.?
Patchouliâ€™s also a strong indicator, but thatâ€™s mostly for hippies. And not all hippies are stoners â€¦ did you just laugh out loud too?
And check their floors. If the carpetâ€™s wet, growing something related to fungus and smells like old bong water, your buddyâ€™s a stoner.
And a slob. Gross.
The only people on Earth who canâ€™t do long division but can calculate how much a half-eighth will cost are stoners.
Stoners are like the market economists of the black variety. Buy, sell, smoke â€¦ theyâ€™re just as intense as those traders on C-SPAN at the Stock Exchange.
They are also the only people who can go without eating, washing laundry or paying rent and utilities, but will always have a fat sack of ganja to pass around.
Contrary to popular belief, stoners are usually quite clean. Lazy, but clean.
Donâ€™t believe the outward appearances. Ignore the fast food wrappers, the empty beer and soda cans and the other stoners who inherently crash on your couch.
Theyâ€™re very clean. If you want to test this theory, spill some weed on the floor. After freaking out for about five minutes, theyâ€™ll scatter the floor for remnants.
I swear to god theyâ€™ll even smoke the carpet.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart canâ€™t get home because of the zombie-like stoners blocking the corner of Laurel Street and College Avenue. Please help him by sending e-mails to firstname.lastname@example.org.