I made a mistake with my last column. What was I thinking writing a procrastination column before spring break?
Now, when I truly need to slap together some independent clauses (brownie points for remembering high school English), I need to actually work.
Dumb. I know.
And during the one week that weâ€™re all a bit sluggish and donâ€™t want to sit in lectures, almost to the point of tears.
And you know what else makes me cry (cue the slick transition now)? If youâ€™re thinking Kenny G and a bubble bath, youâ€™d be wrong. Mostly.
No, itâ€™s heart-wrenching movies.
Now, many an alpha-male will claim that men should never cry at a movie, but I beg to differ. Iâ€™m not ashamed.
Movies are sometime sad or uplifting. People cry when sad or uplifting things happen to them. Itâ€™s a pretty simple equation.
But I get the animosity against men who cry at movies. Itâ€™s ludicrous, but it exists.
And because not everyone can be such an enlightened male, like myself, hereâ€™s some movies to ease you guys into the whole â€œemotional connectionâ€ thing.
But I swear, ladies, I will not stand for any of you springing â€œBeachesâ€ or â€œSophieâ€™s Choiceâ€ on us. For real.
Putting on a dress never looked so manly. I mean skirt. Kilt. Sorry, Scots. Do you think Mel Gibson chaffed after that horse riding scene?
This movie gets the â€œOK to cryâ€ nod for two scenes: When William Wallace finds his wife dead and when heâ€™s finally killed close to the end of the movie.
Nothing is more touching than to see and hear a shaggy Gibson being disembowel. And yeah, see if you donâ€™t cry when your intestines are falling out.
Trivia nugget: Tom Hanks turned down the part of Andy Dufresne, the main character in â€œThe Shawshank Redemption.â€ Hanks would win an Oscar for â€œForrest Gump,â€ beating out Morgan Freeman, who was in â€œThe Shawshank Redemption.â€
Another interesting tidbit, Forrest Gump never ages, despite being an adult through the â€˜60s, â€˜70s and â€˜80s. Weird.
All trivia aside, if you donâ€™t cry at the end of â€œForrest Gump,â€ you have no soul. And you probably donâ€™t support the troops. And you hate babies.
3. â€˜Marley & Meâ€™
Just between you and me and the dozens of people who read my column, I kind of hate Owen Wilson.
Not only does his acting sometimes piss me off (see â€œYou, Me and Dupreeâ€), but he gets to have sex scenes with beautiful women like Jennifer Aniston.
Oh, I kid, Owen.
â€œMarley & Meâ€ gets props for two reasons: one, telling the true story of a columnist not unlike myself, and two, for really portraying the love between man and manâ€™s best friend.
The ending is almost excruciatingly sad. Not as excruciating as â€œYou, Me and Dupree,â€ but close.
4. â€˜Dead Poets Societyâ€™
This movie is kind of a wildcard. So much, in fact, that I had not seen it until just moments before I started writing this column.
This movie made it OK for guys to like to write and be romantic. It made poetry cool.
The coming-of-age tale grasps what it is to be a young person in todayâ€™s society, despite being set more than 50 years ago.
And itâ€™s refreshing to see Robin Williams, clearly of â€œMork & Mindyâ€ fame, play a serious role â€“â€“ one that requires no dressing up in female clothing.
5. â€˜American History Xâ€™
Apparently skinheads only have souls in movies. Or at least the protagonist skinhead can develop a soul while in prison â€¦ in movies.
Talk about your downer movies. Actually, â€œAmerican History Xâ€ serves an excellent purpose in portraying the social inequality and racism that festers still today.
So, itâ€™s OK to let your guard down guys, because this movie will slap you down with a heavy dose of tragedy and reality.
But remember, Edward Norton loves you and will take care of you (I take no responsibility for the accuracy of the previous statement).
Now, let me explain my choices a bit. I did a lot of researching for this topic â€“â€“ mostly goofing around watching movies â€“â€“ and I encountered so many flicks that I could interchange with those on this list.
So I have a homework assignment for you all: send your suggestions and lists to email@example.com. Itâ€™ll be fun, promise.
In the mean time, check out some of the runners up.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart is verwy, verwy sweepy from staying up all night watching â€œDead Poets Society.â€ When he awakens, he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Some Good Runners Up
Saving Private Ryan
Million Dollar Baby
Life as a House
Remember the Titans
Good Will Hunting