Itâ€™s interesting to step out of my shoes for a moment and into yours. I find myself asking what you all think about when youâ€™re reading this.
The top hope on my list is that youâ€™re thinking, â€œWow, that Johnny kiddo sure is funny. And super dreamy.â€
Yes, I am. But I donâ€™t think thatâ€™s what youâ€™re thinking. Especially now. And why youâ€™re a 1950s teenage girl, I donâ€™t know.
Do you ever wonder what itâ€™s like to sit down to write these masterpieces â€“â€“Â or drivel depending on your opinion?
I guess Iâ€™ll never know. What I do know is that itâ€™s not glorious.
Itâ€™s not like I sit down next to a roaring fire with my tobacco pipe and glass of brandy to pen my Top 5.
Itâ€™s more like me sitting on my couch, in my boxers, playing video games, eating 3-day-old Taco Bell, all the while typing what appears to be crude, yet funny quips into my laptop.
But most of the time Iâ€™m procrastinating instead of writing my column.
So, through very unscientific research, Iâ€™ve developed a list of things to avoid â€“â€“ or utilize â€“â€“ if you donâ€™t want to do your work.
And yes, this totally counts as a real column.
1. Doing homework
Who am I kidding? Itâ€™s pretty clear I donâ€™t do homework.
Sometimes hitting the books can be fun, but it all depends on the subject.
Take the history of film for example. Thatâ€™s just a lot of watching movies. Iâ€™m good at that.
Or anatomy. Not so much fun in theory, but that whole practice thing is pretty fun.
How about some sociology mixed with nutrition. That can be studied at any bar in Old Town. Well, maybe Iâ€™m getting confused on the subject matter.
See, learning can be fun.
2. Checking Facebook
Never has stalking been so acceptable. I mean, Iâ€™ve always been OK with the idea, but after that one incident, never again.
It might be awkward at first, but that friend you havenâ€™t spoken to since elementary school does want to Facebook chat, promise.
Oh, and Farmville. Real farming must be as easy as farming on Facebook. Or at least thatâ€™s what the Internet says. And the Internet never lies.
If you challenge this notion, the Internet will find you and delete you.
3. Watching YouTube videos
Endless hours can be poured into watching videos online.
Did you know whole Web sites are devoted to watching movies online? Like YouTube â€“â€“ what a wonderland of shilly-shally.
Want to see someone doing something stupid? YouTubeâ€™s got it. Want to see a cuddly little fur ball? Itâ€™s got those, too.
But all you perverts out there looking for something more adult, look elsewhere. The Internet wasnâ€™t built for that.
4. Playing Tetris
Tetris isnâ€™t so much of a game as itâ€™s an addiction. You play and you play, and right when you are ready to give up, youâ€™ll have the game of your life.
After that, youâ€™ll never see a frigginâ€™ line piece ever again.
Youâ€™ll start dreaming in blocks. Youâ€™ll spend hours getting your fix. Eventually, youâ€™ll be hitting up free Tetris Web sites left and right.
When youâ€™re fed up, you feel so dirty and wrong. But when youâ€™re in the zone, god it feels so right.
I just Tetrised all over the place.
5. Writing a column
So this oneâ€™s a little more selective. First, youâ€™ve got to be a part of a publication, like our fine Collegian.
Second, you must write. That excludes all you engineers out there.
See, writing a column, at least for me, is a great con. First, I get to spout ridiculous ideas to the masses. Look Mom! Iâ€™m on the same playing field as Glenn Beck.
No, it doesnâ€™t make sense that writing my column is something to do instead of writing my column. But it makes sense that I enjoy writing my column instead of doing â€œreal work.â€
When I write my column I get out of doing all the other work that my fellow editors have to do.
So, as long as you keep reading, I get to keep pulling the wool over my editorâ€™s eyes.
Just donâ€™t tell her. Shh.
Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart loves his job. And keeping it depends on you people reading his column. Donâ€™t fail him. He can be reached at email@example.com.