Al Gore, the prophetic visionary of our times who blessed us with the capability to interact with millions of people around the globe via the Internet, has recently come upon a new venture that requires a sizeable donation from each and every person on the planet.
Please note, however, that this venture is incredibly dangerous and likely to cause global tremors, rapidly forming tornadoes and poor private jet performance.
Also, please note my claim that Al Gore invented the Internet is merely conjecture, and no indisputable evidence is provided to prove or disprove this statement.
Despite any misgivings we may have had in the past about Al Gore, including his ability to count or accept loss like a man, we must now consider the serious implications of ignoring this modern Nostradamus.
Naturally, Iâ€™m referring to the phenomenon of â€œGlobal Warming,â€ which will reportedly leave behind barren wastelands where luscious fields once stood and result in the production of poorly written movies directed by Roland Emmerich, starring Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal.
I insist that we all do our part to avoid such tragedy. As such, I have developed a five-step strategy to ensure our survival in these dark (and warm/cold/changing) times.
First, ignore outdated conjectures.
Your parents may incessantly speak of the â€œGlobal Coolingâ€ phenomena that took place in the â€˜70s.
As your public schooling has taught you, any ideas proposed before your birth date are outdated and useless. And the scientists probably wore those ugly bell-bottom jeans, so we can logically conclude that they lacked the modern thought processes that led to the global warming consensus and the acceptance of Paris Hilton as a worthy member of society.
Second, donate your money to a good cause.
The only good cause is Al Goreâ€™s. He needs to refuel his private jet, which emits more than 22,000 pounds of carbon dioxide per flight, so that he may attend conferences and enlighten us on the current state of Earth.
If we donâ€™t send him at least one check per pay period, we may see the end of his critical, finger-pointing lectures that expose us as environmental rapists.
Donâ€™t be taken in by the other organizations that support the end of global warming. They exist solely to pull funds away from Al Gore and, ultimately, result in the deaths of polar bears. Send your money to Al Gore, the only known man who can telepathically commune with nature.
Third, debunk contrary evidence.
Everybody knows that Michael Crichton only wrote fiction, so the evidence presented in his novel â€œState of Fearâ€ is purely hypothetical.
In fact, itâ€™s likely that Crichton himself never went to med school or attended any of Al Goreâ€™s inspirational lectures.
Itâ€™s obvious he was a fraud and responsible for misdirecting hundreds of thousands of people who would have readily given their money to Al Gore to save polar bears.
Four, take cover.
The best way to avoid the devastating effects of climate change is to find safety underground or, more effectively, hide behind arbitrary, inconclusive evidence. When â€œclimate gateâ€ exposed scientists as manipulators of data rather than messengers of truth, they merely relied on the media and liberal politicians to sweep their false statements under the rug.
With practice, you can easily adopt this strategy. I suggest mimicking the behavior of the numerous scientists who quietly hide their evidence against anthropogenic climate change in an effort to avoid losing their job â€” especially over something as trivial as a difference of opinion.
Finally, explore fallout options.
Once the public has rejected the notion that they are evil, anti-environmental, tree-killing, polar bear-disemboweling contributors to the apocalypse, they may turn on you and expect you to pay reparations for lying.
At least, the reasonable ones will. The sheep will continue to believe your paltry evidence and claims of omniscience.
If, at any point, you are rooted out as a fraud, consider joining other reasonable conspiracy theorist groups, such as the 9/11 Truth movement or the Hitler-Used-Extraterrestrial-Technology-during-World-War-II theorists. Such groups strive for an unprecedented reliance on logic and are veritable cash cows. Uneducated rednecks and poor people love this stuff, giving you an explosive opportunity to capitalize on their stupidity.
Josh Phillips is a leading scientist in Climate Change, just like Al Gore. His theories and hypotheses appear Tuesdays in the Collegian. Supporting evidence and questions can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org._