Feb 162010
Authors: Johnny Hart

I’ve felt a little cynical this past week.

And yeah, being a journalist lends to that sentiment, but it’s something else –– something a little more annoying.

It’s all this Valentine’s Day crap.

I know, I know, it’s probably getting a little old to keep hearing complaints about that lovey-dovey grossness that was last weekend. But this is the last time. I promise.

Singles, listen close. If you want, you can put your ear to the page, but you’d probably look pretty stupid.

We’re taking back the limelight. We’re tired of being looked down on as if we’re one of those relationship lepers.

This week’s column counterpunches all those couples with the things they should miss about single life.

As they say, relationships are like being outside a party looking in. Well, I say let’s leave all those suckers to their party and start a sexy bash of our own.

1. Saving money

In this tight economy, there’s no reason to just throw away your money on useless causes like love or relationships.

The big V-Day might have hit us singles hard in the heart, but it probably hit couples in the wallet harder.

Who needs presents and trinkets and nice things? I mean, it only shows someone out there cares … wait, never mind. Forget that point.

Plus, if we’re filtering all our income in order to please our significant other, where will we find money to buy beer?

2. More personal freedom

Want to play video games? Go for it. Want to hit the bars with some friends? Be my guest.

Want to wallow in sorrow while lying in a puddle of tears? Well, you pretty much have no choice.

But it’s not all bad. You don’t have to make time for your significant other. Yuck.

No more making time for date nights, no more weekends spent taking trips, no more seeing movies twice –– because you’ve gotta see them with your friends too.

And whoo, all the time you could spend catching up on your shows: priceless.

3. More time for studies, a.k.a. drinking

Speaking of more free time, time to get back into your old habits. Like drinking, I mean studying.

Being single means you need to fill the days with something substantial. And who says that can’t be whisky? I mean, other than like productive members of society and doctors and stuff, but whatever.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. And it makes studying a lot more fun. Three tequilas plus two Car Bombs multiplied by six beers equals too drunk to do math.


4. The guilt free random hook-up

This one could work for pretty much anyone, but then you’re that person. That heartless person who leaves you for a younger, more beautiful, more tan version of you.

Not that that’s ever happened. I’m not bitter.

But readers, see that guy or girl at the end of the bar flashing you eyes? The one who is pretty cute and wants to buy you a drink?

Well, too bad. Because at the end of the night, you’ve got to head home to your significant other.

It’s good for us singles, however. Once thought of as the hapless understudy, we’re now playing the lead role.


5. No meeting the parents

As college students, we’re all fairly versed in adapting to awkward situations.

For example, most of us went through that forced, awkwardness dubbed the dorms. Excuse me. The residence halls.

But nothing really compares to meeting your partner’s parents for the first time.

Do they like me? Do I like them? Is that a shotgun in his hands? Should I run?

If you’re single, you don’t need to deal with that. Plus, if you do meet someone’s parents, they’re a lot more trusting.

“Yes, sir, I did spend the night. But I’m not dating your daughter, so no hanky panky. I promise.”

So there’s the list. I’m sure there is more, but I’m too lazy to find out for myself.

By the way, if you find me interesting, cute, sexy, intelligent or whatever, I take it all back.

And I’m available.


Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart loves you and likes to cuddle. He can be reached at verve@collegian.

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