Feb 092010
Authors: Johnny Hart

If you’re under a rock, you still probably know that Valentine’s Day is looming just around the corner.

I say looming because we all know that the day is just a torturous, momentous waste of time … for us lonely singles at least.

And like I said in yesterday’s special Valentine’s Day column, all those couples flaunting their undying love is just gross.
But so goes this time of year. No use in pouting about it.

So I’ve tailored this week’s Top Five to a very important subject that many of us don’t want to touch upon: gratuitous sex.
Mmm … sex. Sorry. Got sidetracked.

Relying on my advanced knowledge of the subject and the endless hours of research conducted via the Internet, this week’s column will focus on the most embarrassing places to get caught having sex.

Heed my warnings. Also, always remember to not be a fool and wrap your … well you know the rest.

1. Dorm rooms

This particular location comes first because most students can relate to dorm sex.

Here’s a good idea: lets put all these hormonal teens in a small, cramped area and just hope and wish they don’t bump uglies. Yeah right.

There’s so many ground rules to go over. Do you put a sock on the door? Do you risk sex in the shower? Do you tell your bunkmate that indeed the shaking has awoken you?

My suggestion: date an upper classman. Maybe a cute senior journalism major who writes a weekly column. Maybe?

2. Parents’ bedroom

This one’s for all those budding teens. Those who get to go home for break, washing laundry for free and receive groceries for gifts.

You might think it’s a good idea to have a party when you’re parents go out of town. Invite that guy or gal you’re interested in. Hopefully a little something special comes out of it.

No. It’s not. Your parents always come home at the wrong time. Trust me.

And there’s definitely nothing more embarrassing than your father shouting “attaboy” while you’re in the throes of passion.

3. The car

As we work down this list hand-in-hand, we’re starting to get a little more kinky.

And yes, spicing up the good old love life can be a good thing, but you always run the risk of getting caught.

The car is especially dubious. You’re in public, ooh. Someone might be watching, rawr.

That person might have a badge. And a gun. And police the laws about indecency.

“I swear officer, we were just looking for an earring … in our underwear … sweating.”

4. At work

Office romances are always intriguing. And always wrong, or at least that’s what our lawyer told us to say.

You spend the majority of your time around co-workers, if you actually have a job, and you’re bound to have a crush on someone.

But it’s never OK to bring that love into the newsroom, I mean office, because it’s inappropriate.

Clearly you’re supposed to sneak around outside the office. Unless you have an office. Or a cubicle.

5. On an airplane

Remember that scene from “Vegas Vacation” when Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo try to hook up in the bathroom of an airplane.

And how did that end? With old Chevy putting his foot in the toilet.

The allure of being a Mile High Club Member is pretty powerful, but be aware. Nothing like explaining to the FBI that you just wanted to get some high-altitude nookie.

Plus, you can’t even really fit two people in those bathrooms.


Entertainment Editor Johnny Hart is a little upset that more than 50 percent of poll takers on Collegian.com wouldn’t date him. Help me out loyal readers. He can be reached at verve@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 4:12 pm

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