Feb 082010
Authors: Johnny Hart

It’s that time of the year again, which you should know because you’re inside this section already.

Valentine’s Day. Yay. Woo. Hoo.

Pardon me if I don’t sound too excited. Color me sarcastic if you will.

This is the time of year when those loving, caring, disgusting couples gush over one another for, oh say, about a week.
It’s gross. I don’t like it.

I guess I’m biased, though, because there’s no she for the Mr. Top Five. My last name is Hart for Christ’s sake.

Shouldn’t I have a Valentine (pause for sympathy “aww” and a three-hour cry fest in the corner of my apartment)?
But who wants to hear another sob story, right? Let us be proactive about this situation.

This week’s special Top Five will shamelessly chronicle the five best qualities in a Valentine.

The reason behind it is not important. Ignore that aspect. Not like I’m trying to set anything up or anything –– cough ­–– haha.

Um … anyway, shall we?

1. A great pair of … eyes

Look guys, you’ll not be hearing about any T and A here. You pervs.

You will not read about any curvy, voluptuous parts of women … hey! My eyes are up here!


But all joking aside, there’s a reason only one top five is about physical appearance. It’s such a touchy subject.

Yes, it’s fairly cliché to say all women are beautiful in their own way, but it’s true. There’s not a day that I couldn’t fall in love with a random stranger just walking through the Plaza.

And the most important part of a women’s physique is her eyes. No matter how gorgeous, big or small, brunette or blonde, tall or short, the eyes seal the deal.

And guys, yeah, I’m playing to women’s sensibilities. That’s kind of the point.

Plus, if you look into a woman’s eyes, she will likely notice you not staring at her boobs, thus you’re less likely to get slapped across the face.

2. Sense of humor

If you’ve read any of my three previous columns, you’d know that I’m probably not above fart jokes. Beans are indeed a magical fruit.

Actually, I’m probably not really above any joke. Laughter is just too much fun to self-censor.

My perfect lady friend needs to be OK with that. And if she can throw in a few fart jokes of her own, I might just fall in love.

And ladies, let me fill you in on a little-known secret. Guys will make fun of you. And it’s because we like you.
It’s the proverbial rock throwing on the playground, but with less bruises.

3. Will put up with guy-tivities

I can’t really speak for all men, but I enjoy watching sports, playing video games, drinking occasionally, hanging out with friends and watching cheesy comedies.

These are what I like to call my “guy-tivities.”

In any relationship, there must be a balance between what each partner wants to do. If you don’t, you just end up bitter and hateful toward one another.

So I suggest finding someone who you can be at one with. For me, that’s a girl who can hold her own in Halo or someone who likes checking out a Rockies game.

And maybe all those selfish guys will surprise you with a little compromise. I don’t mind shopping, and I’m not afraid to admit I like romantic comedies.

Activities don’t have to be mutually exclusive to one gender or another. Fun is fun, no matter what you do.

4. Smart

God I hate stupid people. And just my luck, they’re everywhere.

Look, I’m not always the sharpest crayon in the box. Sometimes I make a fool of myself.

But overall I find myself a fairly intelligent person. And I’d like my partner in crime to be someone who could hold her own in a debate with me.

This shouldn’t be a problem, though, because I firmly believe that women are far smarter than men.
Crazier, but smarter.

5. Willingness to put up with me

This one’s a biggie. The most important quality in my Valentine must be that she’s interested, obviously.

But this is no easy task as I’m very hard to put up with.

When I’m not off doing super romantic things, I’m in the Collegian newsroom thinking up funny quips.

If I’m not here, I’m at home, saving baby seals and giving copious donations to charity. And, yeah, I’m pretty sexy.
If you couldn’t tell, I’m pretty full of myself. So I’m going to need someone who can treat me like the normal person I used to be.

Haven’t you heard? I’m the famous Johnny Hart.

Oh lord. That probably didn’t work. Oh well, I give up.


Entertaiment Editor Johnny Hart is single, looking and needs a Valentine. He enjoys long walks on the beach and puppies. All interested, and all feedback, please e-mail verve@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 3:08 pm

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