Itâ€™s that time of the year again, which you should know because youâ€™re inside this section already.
Valentineâ€™s Day. Yay. Woo. Hoo.
Pardon me if I donâ€™t sound too excited. Color me sarcastic if you will.
This is the time of year when those loving, caring, disgusting couples gush over one another for, oh say, about a week.
Itâ€™s gross. I donâ€™t like it.
I guess Iâ€™m biased, though, because thereâ€™s no she for the Mr. Top Five. My last name is Hart for Christâ€™s sake.
Shouldnâ€™t I have a Valentine (pause for sympathy â€œawwâ€ and a three-hour cry fest in the corner of my apartment)?
But who wants to hear another sob story, right? Let us be proactive about this situation.
This weekâ€™s special Top Five will shamelessly chronicle the five best qualities in a Valentine.
The reason behind it is not important. Ignore that aspect. Not like Iâ€™m trying to set anything up or anything â€“â€“ cough Ââ€“â€“ haha.
Um â€¦ anyway, shall we?
1. A great pair of â€¦ eyes
Look guys, youâ€™ll not be hearing about any T and A here. You pervs.
You will not read about any curvy, voluptuous parts of women â€¦ hey! My eyes are up here!
But all joking aside, thereâ€™s a reason only one top five is about physical appearance. Itâ€™s such a touchy subject.
Yes, itâ€™s fairly clichÃ© to say all women are beautiful in their own way, but itâ€™s true. Thereâ€™s not a day that I couldnâ€™t fall in love with a random stranger just walking through the Plaza.
And the most important part of a womenâ€™s physique is her eyes. No matter how gorgeous, big or small, brunette or blonde, tall or short, the eyes seal the deal.
And guys, yeah, Iâ€™m playing to womenâ€™s sensibilities. Thatâ€™s kind of the point.
Plus, if you look into a womanâ€™s eyes, she will likely notice you not staring at her boobs, thus youâ€™re less likely to get slapped across the face.
2. Sense of humor
If youâ€™ve read any of my three previous columns, youâ€™d know that Iâ€™m probably not above fart jokes. Beans are indeed a magical fruit.
Actually, Iâ€™m probably not really above any joke. Laughter is just too much fun to self-censor.
My perfect lady friend needs to be OK with that. And if she can throw in a few fart jokes of her own, I might just fall in love.
And ladies, let me fill you in on a little-known secret. Guys will make fun of you. And itâ€™s because we like you.
Itâ€™s the proverbial rock throwing on the playground, but with less bruises.
3. Will put up with guy-tivities
I canâ€™t really speak for all men, but I enjoy watching sports, playing video games, drinking occasionally, hanging out with friends and watching cheesy comedies.
These are what I like to call my â€œguy-tivities.â€
In any relationship, there must be a balance between what each partner wants to do. If you donâ€™t, you just end up bitter and hateful toward one another.
So I suggest finding someone who you can be at one with. For me, thatâ€™s a girl who can hold her own in Halo or someone who likes checking out a Rockies game.
And maybe all those selfish guys will surprise you with a little compromise. I donâ€™t mind shopping, and Iâ€™m not afraid to admit I like romantic comedies.
Activities donâ€™t have to be mutually exclusive to one gender or another. Fun is fun, no matter what you do.
God I hate stupid people. And just my luck, theyâ€™re everywhere.
Look, Iâ€™m not always the sharpest crayon in the box. Sometimes I make a fool of myself.
But overall I find myself a fairly intelligent person. And Iâ€™d like my partner in crime to be someone who could hold her own in a debate with me.
This shouldnâ€™t be a problem, though, because I firmly believe that women are far smarter than men.
Crazier, but smarter.
5. Willingness to put up with me
This oneâ€™s a biggie. The most important quality in my Valentine must be that sheâ€™s interested, obviously.
But this is no easy task as Iâ€™m very hard to put up with.
When Iâ€™m not off doing super romantic things, Iâ€™m in the Collegian newsroom thinking up funny quips.
If Iâ€™m not here, Iâ€™m at home, saving baby seals and giving copious donations to charity. And, yeah, Iâ€™m pretty sexy.
If you couldnâ€™t tell, Iâ€™m pretty full of myself. So Iâ€™m going to need someone who can treat me like the normal person I used to be.
Havenâ€™t you heard? Iâ€™m the famous Johnny Hart.
Oh lord. That probably didnâ€™t work. Oh well, I give up.
Entertaiment Editor Johnny Hart is single, looking and needs a Valentine. He enjoys long walks on the beach and puppies. All interested, and all feedback, please e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.