Jan 252010
Authors: Erik Myers

Hello! My name is Erik Myers, principal shareholder and founder of MyersCorp. You probably haven’t heard of us yet, but by the end of the decade, you could very well be working for me.

I’ve single-handedly discovered a renewable source of energy that’s abundant, cheaply produced and environmentally friendly. People worldwide are gonna go hog-wild for this stuff. MyersCorp has already made a lot of money.

I thought this would be an appropriate week to make my announcement, coming off the heels of a certain Supreme Court decision that finally struck down legal limitations on corporate financing for political advertising.

With this decision, MyersCorp is now just like you: An American citizen with a First Amendment right. The only difference is our immeasurable wealth and influence … and, well, the fact that you and MyersCorp probably don’t share the same vision for America’s future.

Don’t be alarmed. Perhaps it’d be best if you got to know us better.

We here at MyersCorp adhere to two founding principles. First, we assume financial success correlates with persistent expansion. If MyersCorp invests its millions in many different ventures, the end result is billions.

I’d like to see MyersCorp establish itself as a conglomerate-investment bank hybrid; imagine General Electric meets Goldman Sachs. If there are laws in place to prevent that, we’ll find a way to make them disappear.
The potential for profit is endless: MyersFoods, MyersMedia, MyersFinancial and MyersMilitary. Too big to fail is big enough for me.

Having our “tentacles” in so many cookie jars means we’re likely to run up against competitors, particularly the U.S. government. A few of your leaders could very well try to hamper our activities. Fortunately, these people are appointed by the masses, bringing us to our second principle: Most people will believe what we tell them.

It’s true! Maybe you yourself won’t believe us, but I bet more than a few of your friends and relatives will. It’s relatively easy to convince half the country that more money for MyersCorp means more money for everyone.

You, I’d think, are aware of the power of political advertising. Remember the celebrities lined up for Obama during his campaign? Google’s “daisy commercial” for a real blast from the past! And the “Swift Boat” ads from 2004 taught us that we don’t need to rely on reality to influence popular opinion; misinformation can work just as well, even after a thorough debunking.

MyersCorp plans on having the best and brightest individuals working on our ad campaigns. With the resources we have available, our messages will be strewn across the Internet, television, radio and billboards. For the remainder of this country’s elections, we’ll be everywhere!

Now, now, no need to get upset. There’ll be plenty of room for other voices in popular political discourse. It’s not like MyersCorp is the only corporation in America. The recent ruling also lifted spending restrictions for non-profits and unions. But I’ll be honest with you, those organizations will never come close to matching our resources. They’ll be overwhelmed.

Your elected leaders will, too. Perhaps it’s true that other corporations have played their role in the government for decades now, but we’ve entered a new era. If they don’t follow every aspect of the MyersCorp agenda, we will dispose millions in smear campaigns to crush them when they run for re-election. At the moment, MyersCorp has set its eye on Ron Paul. He talks too much.

As previously mentioned, it’s likely you and MyersCorp share different views on the future. I’d go into detail about what we have planned, but that’d be spoiling the fun. Let’s put it this way: The concepts of “human welfare” and “family values” do not align with higher profit margins. Our work is not going to happen overnight, but that’s OK.

We’ll get what we want. Remember America, this is an issue of the First Amendment. This is what the founding fathers would’ve wanted. If a little democracy has to be exchanged to provide us our rights, so be it.

We here at MyersCorp thank you for your cooperation during this transition. It’s going to be quite a decade.

Erik Myers is a senior technical journalism major. You will learn to love him. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

 Posted by at 2:22 pm

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