In case you haven’t heard, it’s kind of tough to be a human these days. The industrialized world is going through a punishing recession, the developing world is still, well, developing, and zombies are even eating us on college campuses (at least the cool ones that allow nerf guns – cough, screw CU, cough).
Luckily, the gods have given us Mr. Jeff Beckman, whose proposal, now slated to appear before Denver voters on next year’s ballot, will solve these problems, not to mention every other one out there. I am, of course, referring to his push to create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission based in our wonderful state capital.
The fact that more than 10,000 people signed a petition to get the most important bill in the history of mankind on a ballot has made me more than giddy. To emphasize this, I will refer to extraterrestrials as ‘ALIENS!!!’ for the rest of this piece.
This donation-funded panel would promote “harmonious, peaceful, mutually respectful and beneficial coexistence” between earthlings and ALIENS!!! in part by developing protocols for “diplomatic contact.”
Its seven members would include an expert in taking testimony from people who have survived “direct personal close encounters” with ALIENS!!!
Fret not CSU, we can get in on the fun, as the initiative says: “Members who are not Denver residents may participate from anywhere in the universe.”
If all that’s keeping us from making friends with ALIENS!!! is our lack of a proper welcoming committee, then we really need to fill this void. Just think of all the good things that would come out of finally making contact.
Our cash-strapped economy? A thing of the past once ALIENS!!! inject Space Cash into our monetary flow. Allowing them to set up factories for their ships, ray guns and other goodies would end bellyaching about job creation. Our businesses would prosper too, as their respective clienteles would grow exponentially with the addition of billions of intergalactic tourists.
We students wouldn’t have to worry about CSU’s ridiculous tuition increases after contact. When faced with students going out-of-planet to a far more advanced world, Earth would have to make attending college cheaper than an intergalactic bus ticket.
War would come to a complete halt on this planet. ALIENS!!! would unite us in embracing their presence for the benefit of humanity. Or they would unite us out of fear of having every army on Earth obliterated by one bad-ass ray gun.
If we thought technology was amazing today, just wait until a friendly bunch of ALIENS!!! bring theirs. Gone would be emission-producing vehicles and buildings, Windows operating systems and basically any other piece of headache-inducing technology.
The health care debate in the U.S. would disappear in the blink of an eye. ALIENS!!! would share how to live for 1,000 years. Surely, some ALIENS!!! have Star Wars-style incubators to cure any physical ailment, all-purpose vaccines that have effectively eliminated disease and even a virtual reality exercise program that actually gets you in shape. You wouldn’t get depressed after eating a whole box of Cheez-its anymore!
As a bonus for my fellow progressives, it’s a well-known fact that ALIENS!!! rely solely on executives at health insurances companies for sustenance.
Critics of the initiative whining about how Denver would become little more than a punch line for passing this act will eat crow when the city that saved civilization becomes the capital of the universe.
The solution to every earthly problem is now within our grasp. If you’re a Denverite eligible to vote in next year’s elections, you would be wise to vote in favor of the most important piece of legislation ever to grace a ballot. Why create jobs, treat our ill or alleviate tuition hikes when we can get ALIENS!!! to do it for us?
Kevin Hollinshead is a junior political science major. His column appears Mondays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.