It is with a heavy heart I write today. This, my dear fellow Rams, Ewes and Lambs, is my last column.
Of my 20s. I have little doubt the thought of my resignation from harassing liberalism, socialism and government idiocy had a couple of you lefties excited for a moment.
After several seconds of heavy debate about what I should write this week, considering riveting topics such as the Federal Reserve’s utter and indefensible incompetence and such light-hearted fare as why I promise you will see the complete collapse of Social Security and Medicare.
But then, I realized I have a significant milestone approaching. I no longer will have the luxury of prefacing my age with “twenty-.”
I pondered what I could possibly communicate to a student-body largely concerned with the day the law will no longer frown on their alcohol consumption.
In a word? Summarize.
I lived 70 days in the 1970s, and trust me, they were completely overrated. Honestly nowhere near as cool as you might think.
I caught the front-end of a cutting-edge pharmaceutical break-thru that increased my rate of growth so significantly in 12 years I gained two feet in height. For those who know me, do the math.
What you could buy for less than three dimes the day I was born now costs more than a dollar today.
Video game systems advanced more often than I care to remember. Super Mario still reigns as my personal favorite.
The Challenger Space Shuttle exploded live on TV as my class watched in first grade.
President Reagan survived an assassination attempt that triggered the most defining campaign against inanimate objects since Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park.
I have the distinct pleasure to say I was among the faithful watching when the great John Elway played in three Super Bowls in four years. To my horror, it worsened with each attempt.
You may have heard of some issues for the Dallas Cowboys. Wade was here once too, Mike Shanahan replaced him, you know the rest. History repeats itself.
The Colorado Rockies came to Denver; this led to the torture of multitudes of Coloradans believing 2009 was finally their year. In the meantime, the Boston Red Sox and Florida Marlins each won two World Series.
In the mid 1990s, the Avalanche came to town and won the Stanley Cup, validating my love of hockey. Then Fox introduced “Foxtrax” and the robots and the sport never recovered.
I joined the U.S. Air Force while President Clinton served out his lame duck second term and served through seven of his predecessors’ years.
I learned the value of keeping your mouth shut and I learned I was incapable.
I made friendships that last to this day. I lost friends I always assumed would be there and were gone in an instant.
I learned marriage is not an endeavor to enter passively. I learned sometimes no matter what the argument, you are wrong. I learned that divorce is far more costly than the mere monetary expense.
I found friends I could rely on for anything and friends who would throw you under the bus.
I learned the value of a canine friend far exceeds the complete emotional torment that accompanies their sudden and unexpected departure. Seven months and I still miss you every day, Ice.
Above all else, I learned that the support of family will carry you through the most difficult moments of your life. When everything else fell apart around me, my parents have always been there. Usually there were friends, but always there were mom and dad. Without you, I doubt I would be here now. Thank you.
I am excited for the coming days. We are living a time as tumultuous and exciting as our nation has encountered since the late 1700s and certainly the most unstable of my lifetime.
I suggest in your coming years you do not trust government and question authority. Remember, this world cares not what you can do, they care only what you do do.
Seth J. Stern is a senior journalism and sociology major. His column appears Fridays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.