Sep 202009
 
Authors: Erik Myers

I love my sister. I really do. But I only occasionally enjoy her company.

We don’t get along within extended periods of time. By around the 30 minute-mark of our conversations, I find myself teasing her about any given subject: her English major, her nose ring, the indie boys that come and go. She never takes to it well.

Mom always said I was just jealous. That makes sense. She sings for a band that has enjoyed some local popularity and she’s pretty good. I sing along with Kanye in the car, windows rolled all the way up. I’m not one to devote a lot of time to improving myself, so I’m not ashamed to admit I’d sell my soul for musical talent. (If you’re reading this Satan, I prefer to handle my dark matters in the Trailhead bathroom. Come in the form of my favorite porn star. You’ll know the one.)

Biology dictates that one egg will always be more talented than the rest of the spawn. Natural sense tells us that he or she will forever be despised by the others, at least just a little. This is why bands with front-and-center siblings almost always break up, no matter how much success has been dished their way.

Case-in-point: Noel Gallagher announced he was leaving his band Oasis a few weeks ago. His reason for doing so left absolutely no one shocked: “I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.”

It’s sure to bum out the few diehard fans remaining, but it’s for the best. Noel is the more talented of the Gallagher brothers, having written every Oasis song worth mentioning. If Liam and the others have any dignity floating around in their tea-coddled heads, this is the end of the band self-described as “better than f***ing God.”

The first two albums weren’t exactly original, but it had been 20 years since The Beatles when they came out. Their popularity can solely be attributed to the phenomena known as being at the right place at the right time. Tunes like “Live Forever” and “Morning Glory” remain enjoyable today, mostly for nostalgic purposes.

But further albums demonstrated that these twits had made the decision to give up reinvention in favor of continuing to feed the cesspool of late-’90s Brit Rock, a foul stretch in the history of music they were personally responsible for. Like the countless artists whose prime lasted for one or two albums, the remaining three-fourths of the Oasis discography is worthless.

This is the third time Noel has given his band the ole “piss off;” his decision to do so with such formality indicates he’s serious this time. For every fan forcing themselves to be “excited” about the possibilities spurred by Noel’s departure, don’t bother.

Here’s how it’ll go down: Oasis will officially break up and each member will separate, taking a solid three years in the musical wilderness. Liam will team up with the long-forgotten “Bonehead” Paul Arthurs and Alan White to form a new trio, Alabaster. The trio will put out a self-titled full-length that will be awful but not exceedingly so. It will be universally ignored with the exception of a four-star review from Rolling Stone. Liam will quit shortly after.

The reunion talks will begin processing around 2022, when Noel decides he’d like to build a suite in the Palermo mountainside. The international tour will kick off effortlessly and generate a cool $500 million over six months. Eventually, however, a pent-up Liam will use an ethnic slur in reference to Noel’s Italian-Filipino girlfriend. The ensuing slapfight will be broken up and both Gallaghers will walk away from the tour, never to perform together again.

Perhaps I’m being a bit imaginative, but I feel confident in an unhappy ending. We are all brothers and sisters, but that doesn’t mean we’ll always get along.

Music columnist Erik Myers can be reached at verve@collegian.com.

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