How to win football games

Sep 082009
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

With Ram pride soaring from the contact high of victory, there’s just one thing on Rams’ fans minds — how to ensure that the sweet, sweet flow of victory is uninterrupted.

Some people might say, “But I’m not on the team, how can I, a lowly fan, actually affect the victory of my team?” There are two schools of thought, and both of them are wrong.

Some people will say that a crowd’s energy will provide the morale boost necessary for a team to pull through a victory. Wrong.

As we all know, morale is not a factor in performance, or else middle management would be renowned for kindness and fairness as opposed to asking if you can work unpaid overtime on Sundays. Especially if that Sunday is also Christmas. And your birthday.

The other school of thought is that football players somehow have an internal motivation to do well, regardless of the presence of screaming drunks. This also makes no logical sense. As we all know, no one will do anything unless they are first yelled at. Hence, in chronological order, the doctors, your parents, kindergarten teachers, your high school counselor and, finally, the police.

But take heart! There’s still a way to ensure you can continue to breathe the heady perfume of secondhand success.

First off, you must hate Boulder. Even if we don’t end up playing against the Buffs again, hatred of the Buffs is the strong foundation upon which all other success must be built.

If you know anyone from Boulder, they must prove themselves to be pure — set up a trial of some kind, like buying you lunch, to ensure that they are not hiding secret loyalty to the Buffs. Hint: a Buff fan will object to being forced to buy you lunch on the recommendation of a ranting stranger.

To drive the team to greater heights of victory, I encourage various shows of civic pride, such as possibly arson. I heartily encourage you to consider arson. After all, fire has been a way of honoring spirits and gods since mankind accidentally burned down their first forest, and …

I’m being advised that encouraging arson should be on my list of things not to say. Something about a small segment of you being criminally insane enough to listen to my suggestions.

So, if you must commit arson, please be kind enough to inform an officer first, so that they can tape how awesome you are from their in-car cameras.

Speaking of the police and ending up on Youtube or COPS, alcohol is another great way to encourage the Rams to take another victory. Alcohol is strongly correlated to the victory of the Rams, in that every time the Rams have won, someone drank. And if science teaches us anything, it’s that correlation is the same thing as causation.

In order to guarantee victory, it’s important to drink. Beer is a good choice, because you can dye it green and goldish-yellow, and if you drink or spill enough of it, soon everything will be green and gold. Remember, if you don’t drink, the Rams will lose, and it will be all your fault, and everyone will know.

Your guidance counselor told you about peer pressure, right? And about how all the cool kids cave to peer pressure?

Congratulations to the Rams, and remember, the next victory, or defeat, is in your hands!

Johnathan Kastner is a senior undeclared major with a physical and mathematical sciences interest. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.