Apr 212009
Authors: Brian Lancaster

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Earth Day. A holiday where we take the time to cherish the Earth and all it has given us.

This holiday asks humans everywhere to be more environmentally conscious and rates on the “how much I care about you” scale just below national Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day – which, as a side note, is the day after Earth Day this year.

Not only is Earth Day right before Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, but it’s also right after the anniversary of the Columbine shooting disaster, which humanity remembers every year by getting blitzed.

Now, folks, if you’ve been reading my column, you may not be surprised to know that I couldn’t possibly care less about Earth Day. The activities and ideals behind Earth Day simply rub me the wrong way more than anything else in the world.

I have no idea what this year’s Earth Day activities will be. I could find out, but that would probably make me dread it more, so I won’t.

But there will most likely be a herd of Greenpeace followers trying to guilt me into caring about the environment or into giving Greenpeace some of my hard-earned money so they can go spend my money on something I don’t care about.

Honestly, I don’t want to pay money for rainforest awareness, saving the manatees or getting the pandas at the zoo to start humping, so why would I give it to anyone else for them to pay for it?

I see the Greenpeace activists on campus as the worst middlemen imaginable. They are an intermediary for me to use when I feel like throwing my money away.

Has anyone noticed that the Greenpeace people are getting more and more aggressive with their tactics? I had one recently try to start a conversation with me by jumping at me and pointing down, telling me that my shoe was untied. I kid you not. I even saw one slave of the Greenpeace collective just start following people and talking to them.

I’ve tried this tactic before, simply for my own personal gain, and if I get called creepy by walking and talking with a girl, I can’t imagine what the Greenpeacers get called for walking and talking with people and then asking for donations.

Now I know some of you reading this might not agree with me and may say that Earth Day is a valid and useful holiday that raises awareness for the environmental concerns that we, as people living on this planet, should all share.

I understand your sentiment. Really, I do.

The problem I have with environmentalists and Earth Day is the same problem I have with the majority of organized religions: I believe in the cause, I just hate the supporters.

I love Jesus Christ and all his teachings. If he actually existed, I think he had a great message for the people of Earth. I just can’t stand his fan club.

In that sense, I love Earth, and I do love and appreciate nature. I just can’t stand environmentalists, who annoy me to the point of hating them and, by default, their cause. It’s a terrible circle of hate.

So, for this Earth Day, I plan on celebrating as I normally celebrate Earth Day: By doing absolutely nothing different from any other day.

You see what you get, Greenpeace? You annoy me to the point of apathy, and thus, I will do nothing to help you.

Serves you right.

Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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