Loyal readers, I have a small confession to make: This weekend, I attended a party.
I know, I know, any time spent partying can only be taking away from my amazing presence elsewhere in the world. But honestly, folks, sometimes a guy needs to get loose.
And really, I don’t get too loose. I just go out there and have fun, have a few cups of Juicy Juice and watch people play overly heated games of Yahtzee.
At this party, I started thinking about all the parties that I’ve attended in my college career — all three of them — and immediately began categorizing the different people I saw, as I am usually doing.
Most of these categorizations were fairly harmless. At most parties, there’s usually the group of moderately cool, semi-attractive guys and the group of moderately cool, semi-attractive girls (or attractive, depending on how much Pepsi I’ve had). In fact, an overwhelming amount of people at parties are completely unobtrusive in any way. Or at least, that’s the way it is at the parties I go to.
But there are always “those people.” You know who I’m talking about: a whole bunch of different “that guys.”
No one wants to be “that guy,” but some people are just unfortunate enough to answer the call. Like these people, who I specify as a sex in their made-up titles, but each designation can be given to a guy or a girl:
The Overambitious Guy
You know the one — he’s the one who, when you walk into a party at 10:30, is already reclining in the lazy boy holding a bucket. The party just started, but he’s either pre-gamed himself into oblivion, or he can’t hold his lemonade. Either way, he’s out for the night, and he deserves whatever karma has in store for him.
My message to Overambitious Guy: Either slow down, drink water or learn to hold your liquor. Until you do, don’t expect to see the end of a party.
The Christian Girl
This girl is a complete and total conundrum in my book. The girl boasts having high morals and a love for her Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. But show her a bottle of fruit punch, and her love of Jesus immediately becomes an infatuation with the three wise men: Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.
As she continues enjoying her iced tea as the night wears on, she begins casually flirting with the many males in the vicinity. She flirts and flirts, but inevitably, she’s enjoying the company of her other new man-friend – José Cuervo (Literally: Joe Cuervo) – and she ends up needing to find a way home. Or she ends up remembering her morals at the last minute, and the guy she’s been flirting with for the entire party goes home alone.
My message to the Christian Girl: Stop being two people. We all know what a good girl you are – how could we forget? – but your walk doesn’t match the talk. Either practice what you preach (get it?) or just say you’re OK with having fun like the rest of us. Or start helping guys get to second base, which, despite what you learned at bible camp, is not holding hands.
The 28-year-old undergrad (or even grad) student standing in the corner with his beer isn’t fooling anyone. We know why he’s there: the same reason a lot of guys are there. The only difference is, after a certain point, old people at parties start acting overly creepy out of desperation. Awkward.
My message to the Grandpa: Oh Lord, where to start? Just stay home. Or go to a singles bar. Or Craigslist. Somewhere else.
I would’ve continued thinking, but it was my turn to throw. The ping-pong ball won’t find its way into a cup of delicious root beer on its own.
Brian Lancaster is a senior English major. His column appears Wednesdays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.